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Yank-ing Conservative Chains

Something for liberals to celebrate this summer

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In this new age of patriotic homophobia, nothing strikes terror into the hearts of conservative curmudgeons like the phrase "I'm a Yankee doodle dandy." The last thing these guys want is more dandies, and they'd like everyone to keep their doodles to themselves unless they're used in a government-approved, religiously acceptable program of procreation. And if you're a Yankee, you're pretty much irrelevant since only Texans and a few other Southerners are allowed to make decisions. Yet, somehow, gays and lesbians are on a roll, and it's the best thing that's happened to liberals who love torturing conservatives since... since... since whatever happened a long time ago that was good for liberals.

It's a delicious irony when you consider conservatives were on such a winning streak. They installed a guy as President who got fewer votes. They used a bad economy as an excuse to pass tax cuts for the rich. They bamboozled the public into thinking it's OK for them to round up anyone they want and keep them in jail for as long as they want. They forced an unnecessary war upon us. It seemed they couldn't lose.

But then Canada legalized same-sex marriages. Just as Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum predicted, thousands of Canadians began to fornicate with relatives and the Toronto Man On Dog festival was wildly successful. OK, that didn't happen, but if conservatives believe it, it'll make them irritable and say stupid things.

This was followed by a true miracle of Biblical proportions, when the same court that pilfered the election had a moment of enlightenment and struck down anachronistic anti-sodomy laws in Texas and several other states. Speaking for homophobic cranks everywhere, Justice Antonin Scalia took the unusual step of reading his grumpy dissent from the bench aloud.

See, they're getting cranky. That's when they reveal their true colors, and they ain't the colors in the rainbow flag. When conservatives get testy, they say stupid things like, "Bring 'em on!" That would be our president daring Iraqis to kill our soldiers. Thanks, Mr. Frat Boy. Ever since the Vietnam War, Dubya's the guy at the back of the gang fight saying "Let's rumble," who then conveniently disappeared to the sidelines when fists began flying.

If we can rattle these powerful homophobes enough to encourage more idiotic remarks, it just might occur to some patriotic Americans to un-elect our un-elected leader.

Toward that end, I'm thinking about turning gay. First, gays have got a lot of momentum going. Second, they're more artistically inclined, they dress better, and certainly dance better than most straight guys. There's only one problem: I like girls. This salient fact will keep me in the screaming heteros club permanently. Which is why the irrational fear of gays is so ludicrous. Gays and gay marriages are no threat whatsoever to traditional family values. They don't convert you. Gay parents can't influence straight kids to be gay. If it worked that way, how come all these heteros keep popping out homos?

There is no rational reason for the conservatives' intense fear of gays. No court will rule that incest is acceptable because there is a Constitutional right to privacy. No legislature will propose legalizing bestiality. If you want to wrap up your homophobic rationalization in a religious bow, fine. But religious homophobia has no place in the law, as long as we cling to the increasingly fragile notion of the separation of church and state. All conservatives care about is the separation of Spike and Mike.

A word of caution for those elated at the prospects of gay marriage: It may be that you're about to get Fristed, and we all know how painful that can be. Yes, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) is already talking about a constitutional amendment to prevent gay marriage. Because you wouldn't want people of a different sexual orientation to have the rights the rest of us have. Heaven forbid. Which is of course what conservatives believe.

I wish Frist would convert to homosexuality. He's giving us heteros a bad name. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion he can't dance.

So join me, won't you, in my patriotic glee over conservative homophobia. To paraphrase the George Bush who did get elected, their side is in deep Yankee Doodle doo-doo.

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