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This Just In: July 29 - August 5

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Goose on the Loose!

Summary: A quasi-wild animal is apparently hungry for tacos and a Frosty. Reporter: Sheldon Ingram, WTAE Channel 4 Airtime: 1 minute, 56 seconds on July 22 Highlights: * When anchor Wendy Bell trumpets, "Well, she is stopping drivers in their tracks. A local community's on a wild goose chase. Really! The animal's walking back and forth every day on a busy stretch of road in White Oak, and nobody can catch her!" * When Ingram, reporting from the scene, continues, "You know the old joke that goes something like this: ‘What happens when the chicken crosses the road?' Well, here's another one: ‘What happens when the goose crosses over Route 48?' The answer is that Channel 4 Action News will follow it." * When we see the goose making its way across the asphalt bungle (what I like to call suburbia). * When Ingram eggs us on, "We followed the goose from here, over to Taco Bell back into this parking lot, and then, across the road, over the Lincoln Highway. And for two days, this goose has perplexed the people in the area." * When Ingram describes the ensuing chaos: "[The goose] turns its nose up to drivers. Holds up traffic. Forces drivers to hit their brakes. Back and forth, back and forth. From Taco Bell to Wendy's. Now doesn't it just give you uhhh ... goose bumps watching this goose deliver its seducktive walk across Route 48? But the question is, why? Well, at least one guy has a theory: The goose might be using Wendy's lawn to nest some eggs." * When the man conjectures, "She doesn't have any eggs yet, but I imagine that's what she's doing, as far as I can tell. That's what it looks like." * When Ingram analyzes, "That sounds fairly reasonable. But what kind of mother goose would flirt with disaster by doing the goose walk across a road used by 17,000 vehicles a day?" * When Ingram asks an older man, "So would you be as successful crossing the street as the goose?" The man answers, "No. I don't want that run-down feeling." * When Ingram ends, "So as the goose lounges at Taco Bell and Wendy's, we sent out this plea: Please show it some love, or your goose is cooked." Unanswered Question: Why didn't Sheldon ask a mother why the goose would do this? What We Learned: If a goose crossing the road perplexes people, it's no damn wonder most people can't drive worth a shit. News Value: 0. (That's a goose egg.) Sheldon, don't you know by now that goose stories aren't that interesting unless there are baby geese involved? Personally, I think the goose is trying to make a political statement against an ill-defined suburban space. Who, me? Project?

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