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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part Two

The final chapter fails to bring any satisfying closure to this endless vampire melodrama

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The Twilight series grew dopier with each installment, but I hoped this final episode would bring closure to an increasingly muddled story at least. But alas, Breaking Dawn: Part Two, directed by Bill Condon, failed to deliver even this small comfort. 

The narrative gets even loopier, with loads more violations of Standard Vampire Rules. In a nutshell, after Bella and Edward's half-breed child is born, the high-poobahs at the Volturi get prickly, and the Pacific Northwest crew prepares for an epic confrontation. 

Bella (Kristin Stewart), now a vampire, finally stops moping and becomes the world's skinniest WWE contestant, smacking down werewolves, lionesses and giant rocks with gleeful abandon. Wolfy Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and moony Edward (Robert Pattinson) are now besties. About two dozen new characters — colorfully garbed, frightfully bewigged vampires from around the globe — are unnecessarily added, ostensibly recruited for the battle against the still-mysterious Volturi. ("It's a Small, Undead World," after all.)

Once everyone is assembled, some relatively exciting events actually transpire (however dreadfully filmed and acted). But let the viewer beware: Vampires — and movies about super-nice vampires — are not to be trusted. Expect both appreciative and outraged howling from the audience. Sure, it all "ends," but the fact that the film faded out on the word "forever" made me nervous that there could be an infinite number of episodes to come. 

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