My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in a committed (I assumed) relationship for 17 years. Sex between us (often kinky) has always been great. We have a wonderful life together and two perfect children. I thought we were good; turns out things were too good to be true. I learned recently that my wife has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage. She began an affair with an older man soon before we were married, and they were physically intimate for five years, including bondage and a Master/sub relationship. The physical sex stopped, but phone sex and online flirting continued up until I discovered this two weeks ago. This is a man I know. She has introduced our children to him. There’s more: She slept with another man (just once, more bondage) but also flirted with him online and met up with him while I was away. She slept with yet another man she works with (just once, vanilla this time). She had phone sex with at least two other men and flirted with still more on Facebook. This came out because I was jealous about something that now seems minor and checked her email. (Not proud of that.) She is repentant and relieved that I finally know, and she promises that she will be faithful from now on. I’ll always love her, and I know she loves me. One thing that came out was that she has never been faithful to a romantic/sexual partner. I could forgive a one-time drunken fling, but this is a consistent pattern of infidelity that runs from the beginning of our marriage. I cannot process it. I thought she had always been as loyal as I’ve been. I can’t put my wedding ring on — it feels like a lie. I have no one to talk to. For the sake of our future we are committed to fixing things, but we’re not sure how.
Heartbroken And Devastated
I’m going to preface my response with what someone in my position is expected to say and what, given the circumstances, might even be true: Your marriage is over. The scale, duration and psychological cruelty of your wife’s betrayals may be too great for you to overcome.
But you didn’t need me to tell you that. You knew that already. So I can only assume you wrote wanting to hear something else. You don’t need me to outline the reasons you should leave, and you don’t need my permission to go. You wrote because you’re looking for a reason to stay.
I’ll give it my best shot.
A long-term relationship is a myth two people create together. It’s not chemistry, it’s not math, it’s not engineering. It’s a story; a story we tell each other, a story we tell others, and a story we tell ourselves.
And sometimes it’s a story we have to revise.
Right now, it feels like the story you’ve been telling yourself and others about your marriage is a lie: not partly, but wholly. You thought your marriage was a loving, committed and “completely loyal” one, but it’s not — it can’t be, and it never was because she was cheating on you from the beginning.
But loyalty isn’t something we demonstrate with our genitals alone. Your wife wasn’t loyal to you sexually, HAD, and that’s painful. And the conventional “wisdom” is that people don’t cheat on partners they love. But you were married to this woman, and you describe your marriage as good, loving and wonderful. And it somehow managed to be all those things despite your wife’s betrayals. She must have been loyal to you in other ways or you would’ve divorced her long before you discovered her infidelities. Think back over the past 17 years: every kind and loving gesture, every considerate action, every intimacy, every moment you took care of each other — was it all a lie?
I’m not trying to exonerate your wife, and I’m not trying to minimize her betrayal or your pain. But if you want to stay together, you’re going to have to tell yourself a new story, one that makes room for contradiction (loves you, cheated on you), betrayal (shitloads), apologies (shitloads from her), forgiveness (shitloads from you), and … some accommodations going forward. If I may paraphrase Maya Angelou: When someone finally shows you who they are — after you found the incriminating emails — you should believe them. Your wife has never been faithful to you or to anyone else, at least not sexually. Adjusting your expectations and making accommodations accordingly is more realistic than expecting your wife to become a different person.
I’m a cis woman in my late 20s. About three months ago, I had my first one-night stand. I’ve noticed my thoughts have continued to gravitate toward this man ever since — despite having other sexual partners in the interim. I recently ran across his profile on Tinder — however, I’m fairly sure he hasn’t logged on for a while as certain things weren’t up to date. While I obviously swiped right, I’m curious as to whether it would be seen as inappropriate or possibly invasive if I were to reach out via the powers of social media. The night we had went well — it was all incredibly comfortable sexually, and I found him very interesting to talk to both before and after we hooked up. I should mention that I left rather swiftly that evening without grabbing his number, in an attempt to “play it cool.” I definitely don’t want to cross social or personal boundaries, but I’d like to see him again.
Creep
There’s nothing creepy about letting someone you fucked know you wanna fuck ’em again or, hey, maybe even date ’em for a while. It gets creepy only if they don’t respond, or if they politely decline, and you keep letting them know you would like to fuck/date them some more. Social media has come with costs, but the ability to locate someone and ask for a do-over/screw-over is one of the benefits.
On the Lovecast, the devastatingly hilarious comedian Emily Galati: savagelovecast.com.
Savage Love
“Loyalty isn’t something we demonstrate with our genitals alone.”
