I am a 28-year-old gay man. I recently connected with a guy on a vanilla dating website, and we are quickly developing a real interest in each other. Our first conversation was through text messages for the better part of six hours. He stated that he is into "everything from mild to wild." The comment came during a conversation that he initiated about sexual preferences. This was a major turn-on for me: I've had limited experience with BDSM, but I am looking to try more. I am very familiar with one kink: diapers. It's a huge part of my sexual identity, and I ideally want it to be part of a sex life with my partner. Normally I would wait until months into a new relationship to bring up the topic, but since he opened the door, should I talk about it now?
Nervously Anticipating Padded Pants In Erotic Situations
I've long advised kinksters who are dating vanillas — or presumed vanillas (PVs), I should say, as it's not uncommon for presumed-to-be-vanilla partners to reveal kinks of their own after their partners disclose their kinks — to wait until the PV has gotten to know them before disclosing. (Of course, every kinkster is a PV until the moment of disclosure.) Since so many true vanillas have a knee-jerk, negative reaction to kinks, it's only fair that kinksters have a chance to let a new partner get to know them before opening up. That way, a vanilla can weigh any prejudices they might have about kinky people against what they've come to know (and like) about the kinkster they've been dating.
But your case is different, NAPPIES, as the gentleman you're courting has already disclosed his kinks. According to my treasured and frequently consulted copy of Emily Post's Etiquette, the proper response to a disclosure of kinks by a suitor is the prompt disclosure of one's own kinks.
Now, very few people who say they're into "everything" are actually into every single thing. A Google search for "toaster fetish" pulls up 260,000 results. Some are pages created by kitchen-appliance aficionados, but some are created by actual toaster pervs. And just as your new boyfriend probably wasn't thinking "even toasters!" when he said "everything," he probably wasn't thinking "even diapers!" Because while diapers are a huge turn-on for diaper fetishists, they're not something that leaps to mind when even a kinky person says "from mild to wild."
As Emily Post put it: "A sexual fetish for an item of attire so strongly associated with childhood (indeed, with the nursery itself!) will give pause to even the most depraved of suitors." As such, you may be within your rights to drop hints about your diaper fetish instead of flat-out disclosing it. Ask him if he really meant everything. If he says, "Yes, everything," then spill — or leak — your kink. But if he hedges, let him get to know you a bit better and explore some of his kinks, before disclosing your own.
I'm a sexually inactive (by my own choice) heterosexual female in my late 40s who up until recently used to be much heavier and in declining health. Since my type 2 diabetes diagnosis, I have achieved substantial weight loss, a much-improved diet and a little Clairol Nice 'n' Easy. I now look and feel infinitely better than I did in my late 20s. People in my apartment building have been doing double takes. While I admit the newly acquired positive attention is fun, I'm happy staying single and am not interested in developing any LTRs. The weird thing is, the majority of guys flirting seem to be much younger than I am. An older female friend once commented that men "don't know what to make" of someone like me. So am I too narcissistic? I can't seem to relate or keep conversations going. Plenty of younger men in their 20s and 30s are nice-looking, but I'll be 50 next summer!
I'm Not A Cougar Though I'm Very Energized
"The first thing I'd like to say to INACTIVE is congratulations on tackling her type 2 diabetes and getting such fabulous results!" says Cindy Gallop, the founder and driving force behind MakeLoveNotPorn.com, a website and movement designed to blow up pornography.
Gallop is a fan of younger men, and younger men are fans of Gallop.
"Of course she's getting flirtatious attention from younger guys!" says Gallop. "There are many young men out there interested in and attracted to older women — but society considers that relationship model less socially acceptable than the older-man/younger-woman version, which is why she's so surprised. The good news is she can stay single and still have a lot of fun with younger men, without worrying about keeping conversations going — because the fun doesn't need to involve much talking."
If being sexually inactive was a choice you made back in your heavier, unhealthier days due to a lack of confidence, Gallop says that this is the perfect time to get back in the game — and younger men are the perfect playmates.
"INACTIVE is in her sexual prime, and she should go for it!" says Gallop. "The age issue is purely a societal judgment and is irrelevant. Younger man (lots of stamina, very short recovery period) + older woman (confidence, experience, knows what she wants) is a fantastic combination. And I speak as someone who knows."
A couple of pro tips from Gallop for older women dating younger men: "Number one: Apply the same filter to her dates that I do — regardless of how casual the relationship, he needs to be a very nice person. Number two: If she hasn't been sexually active for a while, check out MakeLoveNotPorn.com. She should be aware of what she may encounter in younger men that's been learned from porn, and how to talk about what she prefers in that context openly, honestly and lightheartedly."
On this week's Savage Lovecast: How to be a professional but friendly unicorn. Find it at savagelovecast.com.