I'm a bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship. Here's the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. I'm responsible, and I don't smoke that often. But I don't like feeling guilty. I've considered banishing pot from my life, but I know some part of me would resent her for not letting me be who I am. To her credit, she doesn't want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the problem. I feel like I'm asking her to change a fundamental belief. Am I being an asshole?
Distraught Kentucky Dyke
What is it about lesbianism that renders a person incapable of taking yes for an answer? (Or maybe it's cunnilingus? Does Michael Douglas have the same problem?) Your girlfriend isn't asking you to stop smoking pot, she recognizes that she's the one with a drug problem, and over time (it's only been 10 months!) she'll probably get over these panic attacks. She's giving you a great big yes, and I think you should take it. But if you insist on being a couple of cliché lesbians who feel they have to operate their relationship on the consensus model or someone is being oppressed, this issue will be an endless source of anxiety and drama. Better to agree to disagree, smoke when the girlfriend isn't around, and remember to return the favor, i.e., agree to let her enjoy something that you don't without pitching fits about it.
I'm a lost little lesbian. I have been with my partner for four magical years. My girlfriend deployed to Afghanistan, and I was an angel for the first four months. But after an argument on Skype, I went to confide in a friend — seriously, confide, that was it. The next thing I knew, it was 5 a.m. and I was on the couch half-dressed. I never told my girlfriend. The moment she got off the plane and dropped to one knee, I knew I'd be keeping my indiscretion a secret. Seven months after my slip-up, we found out that she'd be leaving again. During her second deployment, I ended up out on the town with friends and was heavily intoxicated. I slept with a random person. I did the same thing again five months later. So I have cheated three times. None of these people meant anything to me. My girlfriend is back, and this is the happiest I've ever seen her. We are planning a wedding, and I can't bring myself to break her heart. Many nights I find it impossible to sleep. I have identified that drinking is a major problem and I am finished with it. I know the things I have done will never happen again. How do I get past the mistakes I've made so that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved?
Army Wife In Training
By giving yourself a break. You were drunk, you were lonely and you were unmarried. OK, you weren't exactly single, and you did a shitty thing ... and another shitty thing ... and another shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals (and as prologue) or you can look at them as important life lessons before making a formal and (hopefully) final commitment to your fiancée. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs and stuff those experiences down the memory hole.
My girlfriend of one month is a professional dominant. I was OK with it because I assumed all her clients were men. (We are lesbians.) It turns out that three different straight couples are regular clients. I feel she should have proactively disclosed this information to me. Can I insist that she stop seeing male/female couples?
The Only Woman In Her Life
You can insist on anything you like, and your girlfriend can decide whether she's willing to sacrifice six established clients for a controlling, insecure girlfriend that she's known for only a month. Since building a regular clientele represents financial and physical safety to many sex workers, brace yourself for the dump that's very likely coming your way.
Whiny dyke here! I'm queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one particular guy. We're close friends and hang out all the time. A few weeks ago, we made out for 15 minutes before he said that he's not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he's not attracted to me. We have always been really touchy, we're shirtless around each other a lot, and I'm struggling to believe he's not attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don't find attractive? There have also been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won't do it again, but doesn't that say something about him?
Wants Hetero Affections Tamed
This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. Now, I'm sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities — most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists — and you don't have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him. Don't give him any more opportunities to toy with you — no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing — and don't point out girls you're interested in. Or, hey, get your revenge by "expressing an interest" in girls you don't think are hot.
This week on the Savage Lovecast: Are shrinks good for your love life? Also, how should you comport yourself when you're the Dungeon Master and you have to watch your ex-girlfriend be some other guy's slave? Find out at savagelovecast.com.