A friend of mine is a crossdresser considering transitioning. He came out to a female friend he hadn't seen in awhile, and she told her that she wanted her to come to her house fully dressed for some hot sex. I told her to go for it, saying gender-transgression play is potentially hot. This girl (hereafter known as "Evil Bitch") backed out as soon as my friend arrived, but took her out to dinner (still fully dressed) as consolation. Now my friend is telling me that Evil Bitch messaged a bunch of mutual friends he wasn't out to, outing my friend to them. After my friend told Evil Bitch that what went down between them was private, Evil Bitch just responded with "LOL k," and THEN posted pictures from their dinner date — fully dressed — on her Facebook. Is there anything my friend can do? She's freaking out and thinks Evil Bitch ruined her life.
Friend Of Crossdresser Betrayed By Evil Bitch
Your pronouns are all over the place. Your friend is a he, then a she, then a he, then a she. So I'm gonna stick with "Your Friend," despite how clunky it makes my response, because I can't tell how Your Friend identifies.
Twenty years ago, Your Friend could've told Your Friend's relatives and friends that Your Friend got dressed up for a laugh — and that Your Friend can't understand why Evil Bitch is misrepresenting what they did that night. But I can only assume that Your Friend and Evil Bitch exchanged emails, swapped texts, etc., so Your Friend shouldn't accuse Evil Bitch of lying. That will prompt Evil Bitch to post emails and texts to Facebook, which will make things worse.
Since Your Friend can't turn this around, Your Friend can only get out in front of it. Your Friend is out about the crossdressing now, at least, and Your Friend should embrace being out with as much grace and courage as Your Friend can muster. Paradoxically, the more at peace with being out Your Friend appears to be, the fewer people Your Friend will be outed to. If Your Friend acts like Your Friend couldn't care less who knows, malicious assholes will be less likely to spread it around.
I've known a few people who were outed by malicious shits — outed as gay or kinky or swingers or poly or all of the above. It hurts and it can turn a person's life upside down. But most of the people I've known who were outed looked back on the experience a year or two later with ... well ... not with gratitude, but they woke up one day happy to be free of the stress of keeping their big secret. Maybe Your Friend will feel the same way.
In the meantime, offer Your Friend your support, and get in the face of anyone who gives Your Friend any grief.
I just read your column about evangelical girls "saddlebacking" (having anal sex in order to preserve their virginities). I am a 21-year-old and have been sexually active since age 14. I engage in oral and anal sex. I have never had vaginal intercourse, so technically I am still a virgin. My reason for doing this has NOTHING to do with religion and everything to do with AVOIDING PREGNANCY. And, yes, I think it would be nice to give the man I marry a rare gift on our wedding night. And with my experiences over the past seven years, I believe I will be able to keep my future husband quite happy in the bedroom.
Anal is a highly effective birth-control method, and there's only one known case of someone getting pregnant through oral sex. (Google around.) But anal intercourse is also the most effective means of HIV transmission — 18 times more effective than vaginal intercourse — so I hope you're using condoms. And one quibble: If technically you're still a virgin, then technically my husband is a virgin, too. Yeah ... no. Your vagina might be a virgin, but you're not.
PAULINE "DEAR ABBY" PHILLIPS: I grew up reading both Eppie "Ann Landers" Lederer in the Chicago Sun-Times and Pauline "Dear Abby" Phillips in the Chicago Tribune. I always preferred Ann's column — did you know they were twin sisters? — and I'm actually sitting at Ann's desk, which I bought at auction after her death, as I write this. But I have a newfound appreciation for Abby after reading Margalit Fox's terrific obit in the New York Times (read it here: tinyurl.com/abbyobit). The obit ends with the most famous three-word response in the history of the advice-column racket:
Dear Abby: Two men who claim to be father and adopted son just bought an old mansion across the street and fixed it up. We notice a very suspicious mixture of company coming and going at all hours — blacks, whites, Orientals, women who look like men, and men who look like women. This has always been considered one of the finest sections of San Francisco, and these weirdos are giving it a bad name. How can we improve the neighborhood? — Nob Hill Residents
Dear Residents: You could move.
Phillips wrote that decades ago — back when adult gay men often resorted to adopting their adult partners because it was the only way to secure legal protection for their relationships. I don't think anyone working in this genre will ever top it. My sympathies to Jeanne Phillips, Pauline's daughter and the current author of the Dear Abby column.
QUEER READERS: Help advance psychosocial research, and include the LGB community in research, while examining critical questions about the effect of rejection in the lives of LGB people. Adults (18–49) of all sexual orientations are needed for an important study on the relationship between sexual orientation, rejection and the attachment system. Go to surveymonkey.com/s/attachmentandalienation to learn more and participate.
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