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"This guy should get himself a set of short ball stretchers."

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I'm really into having my balls sucked — just thinking about it turns me on. But whenever I've had my balls sucked, it hurts, and ball pain is not a kink of mine! It hurts enough to override any pleasure, and I have to tell my partner to stop. Is this normal? Is there something I can do to make it less painful?

She Can't Roughly Osculate Trouser Eggs

The next time you find yourself in an argument with a proponent of "intelligent design," SCROTE, lay this one on 'em ...

There's this muscle called the cremaster that attaches a man's balls to his abdominal muscles. When a man is cold, the cremaster contracts, lifting his balls toward his body so those little darlings stay nice and warm; when he's hot, the cremaster relaxes, dropping his balls away from his body, keeping the little darlings cool. 

And here's the cruel twist, the irrefutable proof that humans evolved through a random process of spontaneous mutation and natural selection: Our cremaster muscles don't just contract when we're cold, they also contract when we're aroused. So the better it feels to have your balls sucked, the more turned on you get. The more turned on you get, the more your cremaster contracts. And the more your cremaster contracts, the more it hurts to have your balls sucked! You can call a system like that a lot of things — crazy painful, deeply ironic — but not "intelligently designed." (In defense of the cremaster muscle: It's pulling your balls up toward your body so they don't get smacked around too much during intercourse. But if humans are smart enough to create a car that knows when its door is open, an intelligent designer would be smart enough to create balls that know when they're being sucked, right?)

So the problem is muscle strain. And there is something you can do.

"This guy should get himself a set of short ball stretchers," said Stephen "Ox" Lane, of www.oxballs.com, an online sex shop that specializes in toys for men. "We have a good selection of ball stretchers, most made of silicone so they are nice and soft. He should get in the tub, soak in warm water, and let his sack relax, then gently put one ring on. Then he can play with his balls for a while, stroking them and his dick, and if everything is feeling good, add another ring."

At least for now, though, Lane doesn't recommend that you leave the ball stretchers on when you come.

"His balls will pull up as he's getting ready to shoot, and that may cause pain," said Lane. "For the time being, he should use his ball stretchers as a warm-up. Over time, his balls will get used to the feeling and his sack will stretch."

And your cremaster, too. And a slightly looser, more elastic cremaster will mean less painful ball-sucking.


Here is my question for you, Mr. Savage: My girlfriend and I are sexually active, and I can get an erection in the beginning, but a few minutes into intercourse, I start to lose my erection. I can get it back if I allow my girlfriend to use her hand for a while. But when I penetrate her again, I lose my erection again. I heard you on TV talk about how a guy shouldn't grip himself too hard when he beats off. I grab it pretty hard, I admit, and I ask my girlfriend to grab it really hard, too. Does that have something to do with why I can't keep an erection during intercourse?

Having A Real Dilemma

Here is my answer for you, Mr. HARD: No more gripping your dick like that. From now on, whenever you masturbate, jerk it with a light touch and few drops of lube. And if you can't come using that lighter touch and a few drops of lube, then you don't come. At least for now.

Basically, you gotta cut your dick off. Um, let me rephrase that: You gotta stop serving up the kind of stimulation your dick has come to expect, because the only way your dick will come to appreciate the subtler and damper sensations that vaginas provide is if you give it no choice. Drive your dick to desperation, and it will find new ways to get off.

Your dick will adapt.

You can help your dick adapt faster by stirring other forms of stimulation into the mix. Talk dirty, do some nipple play (I'm talking about your nipples), and explore different scenarios that turn you on (girlfriend calls the shots? Do it outside?), while experimenting with positions that might provide with a snugger fit (girl on top, doggy style, etc.). Good luck!

I'm an 18-year-old male about to head off to college. I'm not the best-looking guy — skinny, pale, some acne — and I'm afraid I'll be one of those freshmen who aren't getting laid. What can I do to make my college sex life better? I'm a smooth-talking guy, but it doesn't work a majority of the time.

College-Bound Boy

First, "it" doesn't work for a majority of the people a majority of the time. It doesn't matter how smooth a guy's talk is, how tight his abs are or how fat his wallet is: Most people he meets won't wanna sleep with him. I'm not going to lie: Smooth talk, tight abs and a fat wallet improve a guy's odds considerably. But for reasons that run the gamut from religious to logistic to simple miscommunication, most people won't want to fuck a given person.

The trick is to keep working it until you find someone who does want to fuck you. And there will be plenty of skinny, pale and spotty girls at your school, as well as girls who can see past those things. Your odds will be better if you can look past 'em, too.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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