I am a straight 29-year-old guy and I've been into ball busting — having my balls kicked and stomped — since I was 14. The thing is, I only enjoy getting my balls busted by other guys. I thought I might be bisexual, but I don't get turned on by the idea of sucking cock or getting fucked by a guy.
I've tried getting busted by girls, watching videos of girls kicking men in the balls, etc., but I never even get hard. Sometimes I can see a good-looking guy on the street and I'll get hard just thinking about his feet kicking my balls. In fact, while writing this, I'm hard because you're a good-looking guy and I'd love to have you kick my balls.
In my current relationship, I've snuck out and met with guys I've found online to have my balls busted. It feels like I'm leading a double life, but I don't know what to do. I've tried to subdue my urges, but I seem to need to get it every couple of months. Otherwise I get stir-crazy. I'm confused and really don't know what to do about it.
Balls Smashed To Death
At the risk of my inbox filling with angry emails — a risk I run on a weekly basis — I'm gonna quote the late psychologist and sexologist John Money. He was wrong about a lot of things, from gender being socially constructed to "affectional pedophilia" being harmless, but Money was on to something when he wrote about paraphilias, a.k.a. kinks.
"A wide range of sexuoerotic diversity has its counterpart in the diversity of languages [among] the human species," Money wrote in his book Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. "[Sexual] diversity may be an inevitable evolutionary trade-off — the price paid for the freeing of the primate brain to develop its uniquely human genesis of syntactical speech and creative intelligence."
So why does having your balls busted by other dudes turn you on when you're not interested in other dudes? No idea. We simply don't know why a person has this, that or the other kink. But it probably has something to do with your complex brain and the way it makes abstract and sometimes seemingly random connections.
So the fact that you have this kink isn't proof that there's something wrong with you. It's proof that you're human.
Which is not to say that a kink like yours is easily incorporated into a person's sex life. As one sex researcher I shared your letter with put it, your kink involves an "override" of your usual erotic "target interest," i.e., women. While that kind of override is not unheard of, it's not something that's easily explained to a girlfriend. And as your encounters with other men pose no risk to your female partners (you're not gonna catch an STI getting kicked in the nuts), you can certainly justify getting your balls busted on the DL. But secret lives are stressful, and most people leading them eventually get found out. And when your girlfriend stumbles over — read: snoops and finds — evidence that you've been sneaking around with other men, you won't be explaining just your kink, but your betrayal, too.
So is there anything you can do?
"These problems are often highly treatable," said Dr. Paul Fedoroff, who is a neuropsychiatrist, a forensic psychiatrist and the director of the Sexual Behaviors Clinic at the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre. "Typically, a low-dose SSRI works magic."
SSRIs, or "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors," are drugs that are usually prescribed as antidepressants. SSRIs can crater a person's libido, but they can also, according to Fedoroff, help overcome an unwanted sexual interest. "I had one patient who used to tie his testes with rope and then hit them with a hammer," said Fedoroff. "I prescribed an SSRI, and a month later he had no further interest in ‘ball busting.'"
Fedoroff also had some thoughts about why you want to do this with men.
"The last time I saw a case like this was about four hours ago," said Fedoroff. "This was a highly successful businessman, a lifelong heterosexual who self-described as ‘dominant' with women, [yet he was] advertising on the Internet to find men he could perform oral sex on." For some straight men, "being dominated by another man provides more ‘humiliation' than being dominated by a woman."
Fedoroff isn't the only doctor medicating kinksters. In his terrific book The Other Side of Desire (which is where I first ran across that John Money quote), Daniel Bergner profiles a foot fetishist so paralyzed by shame that he seeks treatment from a shrink who prescribes a drug that "cures" him. The drug? The "lust-obliterating" Lupron, which is sometimes used to "chemically castrate" sex offenders.
Now, I'm a fan of Western medicine — prescription drugs, invasive procedures, hospital-cafeteria Jell-O — but I think taking SSRIs or chemically castrating yourself to suppress an urge to get kicked in the balls six times a year ... well, that's more extreme than your kink. You would be better advised, in my opinion, to accept your kink and your contradictions.
Your kink will probably shock even women who have kinks of their own. But if you present your kink as just one fun, crazy, weird, hard-to-explain-but-endearingly-quirky aspect of your sexual expression, they're likelier to react to it positively. And if you look for women in the fetish/BDSM scene — where straight men sometimes engage in S/M play with each other — your chances are better of finding a woman who isn't threatened by your kinks.
You might find a woman who wants to watch.
Finally, another sex researcher urged me to urge you to bank/freeze some of your sperm in case you wind up busting your balls permanently. People have ruptured and lost testicles when ball-busting went too far. (It can even kill you: tinyurl.com/bustedballs.) It doesn't take much force to make a guy feel like his balls have been "busted," so ask your ball-busting buddies to pull those punches, kicks and stomps.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.