Thank you for your advocacy of monogamishy. (Monogamishness?) When I fell in love with my wife several years ago, we were honest about our wide-ranging sexual desires and negotiated an arrangement. We encourage each other's outside crushes, and both want to be present while one of us is banging that outside crush. Your column gave us the tools we needed to talk with other potentially kinky folks.
On to our question: When staying at a hotel, what is the protocol for engaging in sheet-staining activities? If a session might spread santorum, menstrual blood, female ejaculate, etc. all over the sheets, is it better to cover the bed in towels and stain them instead? We don't want to make the housekeeping staff miserable — and we always leave a tip for the maid! — but we don't want to refrain from sex just because my wife is on her period!
Sheets Tarnished After Intense Nooky
You're welcome for monogamishamy — the noun form of the adjective monogamish — and I'm delighted that it's helped you negotiate successful encounters, STAIN. I trust that you and the wife strive to make sure those encounters are as rewarding for the "outside crushes" as they are for you two.
Now, about those sheets ...
If it's shark week for the wife or a certain former senator routinely drops in (drops out?) when you have anal sex, there's always the option of bringing your own towels.
But say you don't want to bring towels from home — which is an admittedly anal-in-the-other-sense-of-anal thing to do. Should you lay the hotel's towels down or mess up the sheets?
"Mess up the sheets, please," said the head of housekeeping at the hotel where I was staying when your question arrived. (HOH agreed to speak on the condition that I not name her, the hotel where she works or even the city where it's located.) "We bleach the holy heck out of those sheets," HOH continued. "And it is easier to get stains out of sheets than towels. And sheets cost less to replace."
"If you want to be a total sweetheart," said HOH, "strip the bed. Pull the sheets off and leave them balled up on the floor. All the ladies know what that means, and no one goes poking in sheets left on the floor. They toss that ball in the cart and send it straight to the laundry."
Where they bleach the hell/blood/santorum out of 'em.
Finally, STAIN, thanks for mentioning that you always leave a tip for the maid. It gives me the opportunity to encourage others to do the same. Anyone who can afford a night or two in a hotel — on business, on vacation, on someone else's wife — can afford to leave a few bucks for the maid.
I'm a straight man. One of my best buddies is gay, and I'm in gay bars with him twice a week or so. What's the correct response when I get hit on by men in gay bars? If a guy comes on strong, I feel bad saying, "I'm straight." Because I don't want him to think I'm saying, "You're disgusting." Is it wrong to say you have a boyfriend instead of saying you're straight?
Not Overly Concerned Lost Useless Entity
Guys will frequently say "I have a boyfriend" to get rid of a guy at a bar whom they don't find attractive. So be honest, NOCLUE. Finding out he never had a shot because you're straight will be easier on a guy's ego than having to wonder what it is you didn't find attractive about him.
Some gay dudes will be annoyed when they discover the guy they've invested 10 minutes in eye-fucking isn't gay. But most will welcome your presence as proof that — forgive me — it gets better. Straight dudes hanging out in gay bars with their gay friends? Straight dudes who are secure enough in their own sexuality that they're comfortable with being viewed as a sex object by other men? Sure signs of progress. That some gay dudes will waste precious minutes flirting with men they can't suckfuckrimdatemarry is a small price to pay.
I have a super-hot, considerate, caring girlfriend with a high libido with whom I share many long-term goals. The problem is that she bugs the shit out of me. She chews with her mouth open, she listens to music I dislike, and she swears at inappropriate times. I'm not sure what I should do. Settle?
I once met a guy who was super-hot and caring and considerate, a guy whose libido matched my own and whose long-term goals aligned with mine, and who happened to bug the shit out of me.
Here's what I did: I married that motherfucker.
My husband still bugs the shit out of me sometimes, just as I doubtless bug the shit out of him sometimes. But there's no such thing as a bug-free boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/unicorn/gimp/whatever. LTRs are about identifying the bugs that some caring and prodding can fix, and accepting the bugs that no amount of prodding will ever change.
And take it from me: Hot, considerate, caring, similarly libidinous and shared long-term goals isn't a package that comes along every day.
STRAIGHT-RIGHTS WATCH: In 2010, Americans voted Republican hoping the GOP might know something about creating jobs. Surprise! Turns out all the GOP knows how to do is wage war on women. Its attack on abortion morphed into an attack on access to contraception, which morphed into an attack on the 98 percent of American women who use or have used contraception. (Sluts and prostitutes all, according to Rush Limbaugh.) The GOP's war on choice, contraception, cancer screenings and women won't end until the fuckers waging it are driven out of office.
Pissed off? Do something about it. Find a pro-choice Democrat who's running against an anti-choice/anti-woman motherfucker and send that Dem a check, or volunteer. Fight back!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.