I'm a 21-year-old woman who sleeps with other women. Two questions:
1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers "lesbian" and bitches at me for hating that word. Can't I call myself gay?
2. I've been sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn't interest me, so I've never gone there. I've read that breaking the hymen can hurt and -- although I enjoy being flogged and scratched -- that scares me. Should I get over it, or stick with everything else that works for me?
Good Gay Girl
1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They're entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss differing opinions without bitching, or being so thin-skinned that a discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.
2. "Tearing the hymen doesn't always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity," says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. "Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience."
But before you explore vaginal penetration, Herbenick recommends a trip to a female-friendly sex-toy shop.
"If your toys have been used in the anus/rectum," says Herbenick, "it would be wise to get a new vagina toy."
And if you're broke?
"Put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina," says Herbenick.
While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn't for you, that's also a preference to which you're entitled.
I was chatting with a guy who mentioned that a girl once accidentally vomited on him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I'm game for. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card?
Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?
Let's revisit my definition of GGG: "GGG stands for good, giving and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything -- within reason."
Some kinksters skip past the "within reason" part. They shouldn't. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people, etc. -- all of that falls under the "fetish too far" exclusion, which you'll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.
I'm a 20-year-old female living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We've been dating for two years. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can't always get him off when he wants it. We have sex probably four times a week and I'm happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he's immediately horny and he gets cranky when I say no. I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I've started telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines first about how I "never" want to have sex. What do I do?
My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny
At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, along with handjobs, blowjobs and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful OK to watch porn and jerk it?
You're not trying to be GGG, you are GGG.
Your boyfriend isn't lacking for sex; what he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn't understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help: "I love you, honey, and I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,' you wouldn't want to have ‘sex' more than four times a week, either." (I'm putting "sex" in quotes because your boyfriend defines sex as "vaginal intercourse." I do not: Oral, handjobs and visuals-with-a-partner -- all that counts as sex.)
If that doesn't do the trick, buy your boyfriend a dildo roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants -- so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for 20 minutes or so.
That might help him appreciate how good he's got it.
I'm into "ball busting" -- getting slapped or kicked in the nuts -- but my wife was never willing. I saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.
You probably don't hear this from conservative Christian Republicans very often, but my honor requires it: Thank you for saving my marriage. This "GGG" concept transformed our marriage, and we are happier than ever. It isn't lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic.
Busted And Loving Life Supremely
You're welcome, BALLS. All I ask in return for saving your marriage -- besides video -- is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal?
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.