I'm 26, straight and male. I have been a vocal supporter of LGBT issues since high school, and was president of my college Gay-Straight Alliance. Here's my issue: I fully support the trans community and have numerous friends in varying states of transition. But I wouldn't feel comfortable dating/having sex with a woman who had at one point been a man. I realize I wouldn't be fucking a dude, but it's a mental hurdle I can't clear. All my LGBTQA friends call me a transphobe, because if I were truly on their side, sex with a MTF straight woman would be no different than sex with a cisgender straight woman. Do I have the right to not feel comfortable with having sex with these women and still consider myself a supporter of the trans community? Or am I a hypocrite?
Fears Real Activism Undermined [by] Dick
"He's not transphobic," says Kate Bornstein, author, performer, "advocate for teens, freaks and other outlaws," and herself a trans woman. "One more thing he's not is straight. Sex-positive, supportive of trans folk and heterosexual? Cool! He's a queer heterosexual -- and some of my best friends are queer heterosexuals."
As for not being attracted to trans women, Bornstein says that by itself isn't evidence of transphobia.
"A queer heterosexual is just as entitled to the fulfillment of their sex and gender desires as anyone else," says Bornstein. "Trans people have bodies that are different than cis people's bodies. We're two (or more) mints in one -- a physical blend that attracts a lot of people. FRAUD just doesn't happen to be one of them."
What can you do about it?
"Go have good sex with cis women," says Bornstein. (Don't know what "cis" means in this context? See: tinyurl.com/cisdefine.) "And who knows? One day, he might meet the right trans person."
And who knows? One day, your cranky LGBTQA friends might accept who you are, just as you've accepted them. Make an effort to use "attracted to cis women" in place of "wouldn't feel comfortable dating" trans women, and you'll hasten that day's arrival.
Kate Bornstein's new memoir, A Queer and Pleasant Danger (Beacon Press), will be published in the spring.
I'm a 26-year-old guy in a polyamorous relationship. I wasn't dying to tell my family, "Hey, I'm dating a married woman!" However, my brother found out that the girl I'm seeing has a husband. Once I was "busted," I discussed the situation with my sister-in-law. The issue is that my GF and her husband have a 10-year-old son, and my brother has stated that CPS should remove my girlfriend's child from her home. My brother and his wife are now threatening to cut me out of their lives -- as well as their children's lives, whom I care for a great deal -- if I don't dump the girlfriend. Thoughts?
Forced To Pick
Your brother is a shit-smeared asshole, your sister-in-law is an ass-smeared shithole, and they'd be doing you a huge favor if they cut you out of their lives.
Pick the GF. That might mean you won't see your nieces/nephews for a while, which would be sad for you and bad for those kids (children with crazy, controlling parents need to spend quality time with saner family members). But if you dump your girlfriend, you will have established a dangerous precedent. If they disapprove of any future girlfriends, they will attempt to exercise the veto power you ceded to them in this battle.
Your brother and sister-in-law are bullies, and you've got to defend yourself. So long as your GF and her husband aren't doing anything inappropriate in front of their son and they're not placing unfair burdens on him (they don't expect him to keep secrets, if they're not out about being poly; they don't expect him to be out about his parents being poly, if they are out and he's not comfortable sharing that info), you need to come to their defense, too. And you might want to consult a lawyer now, just in case your brother and sister-in-law call CPS.
I am a 29-year-old male with a fetish for snapping pictures of women's legs and feet in nylons. I look for women online who will allow me to pay them to take these pictures. I recently posted an ad and received a reply from a coworker. I find her very attractive and would like to photograph her legs and feet. How should I handle this?
Sent From My Mobile Device
Here's a relevant story from the files: Vanilla Gay pays a social call on Kinky Gay. KG informs VG that there's a Hot Dude tied up in his playroom. KG invites VG to view HD. As it turns out, HD is one of VG's straight coworkers.
It was an unexpected twist -- HD didn't know that VG and KG were friends. (HD had consented to KG showing him off.) While it's possible that HD wouldn't have cared that VG knew his secret, it was likelier that HD would've felt embarrassed -- and compromised during any routine workplace conflicts with VG.
I urged VG to keep his mouth shut.
In your case, while it's possible that your coworker doesn't care who knows that she does fetish modeling on the side, it's likelier that she would be embarrassed. There are plenty of other legs and feet to photograph. Keep your mouth shut.
I was reading a letter in your archives from a woman who didn't have much libido. I was disappointed that you didn't mention that decreased libido is a common side effect of almost every form of hormonal birth control. The first thing a woman with low libido should do, if she's been on the same pill for years, is to switch methods. I would love it if you'd mention this in your column.
Spread The Word
Done and done.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.