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I'm an evangelical Christian. My husband and I have been married five years. We have great sex several times a week despite having two kids. We get along so well that even a couple of my atheist friends have admitted they want what we have. What most of them don't know is that we waited until after the wedding to have sex -- or even kiss.

Most secular folk would consider it reckless to tie the knot before making sure we were "sexually compatible," whatever that means. Let me ask you: What exactly were we supposed to watch out for?

Consider our situation: Two adult virgins, ready to promise that we will stick together until one of us dies. Is there anything we could have learned about each other through sex that would have changed our minds?

I'm not stupid (I'm a physician), but I can't figure this one out. Please tell me what disaster we might have brought upon ourselves by not going for a test ride first.

Happily Married Woman

 

For someone who claims she isn't stupid, you're doing a pretty convincing job of playing dumb.

You damn well know what "sexually compatible" means, as you're lucky enough to be married to a man with whom you're sexually compatible. You want the same things he wants (I'm taking your word for that), you satisfy each other equally (taking your word for that), and you're both content (taking your word for that).

That you wound up married to a man with whom you're sexually compatible despite not fucking him before marriage can be credited to one of two things: You were smart (you figured you would be sexually compatible and those calculations proved correct) or you were lucky. But don't pretend that your happiness was guaranteed by waiting or by God.

Your smugness and self-satisfaction seems a little un-Christian. Where's the humility? Where's some of that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I stuff? There are plenty of people who made the same choices you did, and their marriages fell apart due to issues of basic sexual incompatibility.

Finally, I can think of a million examples of things you "could have learned about each other through sex" on your wedding night that might have led you to change your mind about waiting. Suppose when you got to your honeymoon suite, your husband announced that he wouldn't be able to climax unless you took a shit on his chest. Would that have changed your mind about the advisability of marrying him without fucking him first?


I'm a 26-year-old woman. My roommate G introduced me to two of her guy friends. This past weekend, I went barhopping with the two guys, and I slept with one of them. After I told my roommates, G revealed that she had slept with the guy before. Now G is upset with me. I would like to sleep with this guy again, and I don't feel like G is right to make me feel like crap. Any thoughts?

Had Some Fun

 

You know that scene at the end of Inglourious Basterds when Brad Pitt's Nazi-killin' character pulls out a huge knife and carves a swastika into the forehead of the one Nazi he isn't allowed to kill, because he wants everyone to know the dude was a Nazi even after the war? Unless your friend G is willing to do something similar -- carve her initials into the forehead of every dude she fucks -- she can't complain when a friend hooks up with a guy she hooked up with.

G is not right to make you feel like crap, and I recommend that you fuck the shit out of this guy at least two more times to drive that point home.


The wife and I regularly attend a sex club here in Texas. There's another couple who comes to the parties. They're very attractive. They have sex with each other, but they don't play with others. Basically, they hang out with swingers, but don't swing themselves. We think that amounts to prick- and twat-tease behavior. Do we have a legit beef?

Husband And Wife Together

 

No, HAWT, you don't.

The website for the sex club you attend emphasizes that couples are not obligated to swing or play with others. It would be unfair to extend an invite like that and then slap a "prick- and twat-tease" label on a couple who doesn't play with others.

And just because this couple isn't swinging today, doesn't mean they won't be swinging someday. Perhaps after they see that swingers really do respect their limits, they'll become comfortable enough to start playing with others. Glaring at this hot couple from across the room will only delay the arrival of that happy day.

Speaking of sex clubs: Last week the Portland Press Herald reported about the closure of a club in Sanford, Maine, where opposite-sex-attracted adults were having opposite-sex sex in a building that was -- THINK OF THE CHILDREN -- kinda close to a public library. The library wasn't open when opposite-sex-attracted adults were gathering to indulge their sick opposite-sex desires. But, you know, still! 

The owners of the club didn't have a permit to operate an adult business in Sanford, because Sanford doesn't issue permits for adult businesses. That's one more small business destroyed by burdensome government regulation. (Where are the teabaggers when we need 'em?)

This quote from the police spokesperson in the Portland Press Herald jumped out at me: "The officers were appalled at the number and variety of sexual acts being performed … out in the open."

My goodness! Opposite-sex-attracted adults were having opposite-sex sex in front of other adults who paid to get in. But at least the children are safe from adult sex parties that they didn't know were going on until the details were splashed all over a daily newspaper that's available in the library where they go to look at porn on the Internet.

Good work, everybody!

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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