There are lots of gay and bi guys -- some estimates put it at 25 to 30 percent -- who never have anal sex.
I am marrying a man with two children -- a boy and a girl -- and we want to include them in our wedding party. My best friend and maid of honor happens to work as an escort. You and I agree that sex work shouldn't be stigmatized, but the ex-wife of my fiancé disagrees strongly. She somehow deduced what my BFF does for a living, and has told my fiancé that she will not allow her daughter to participate in the wedding if my BFF is the maid of honor. She says she does not want their daughter to think that being a prostitute is OK. I am furious that this woman would have me remove my most important friend from my wedding party. What say you?
Too Angry For Cute Acronyms
I say it's disturbing that your fiancé's ex-wife isn't demanding that both her children be removed. Not because I agree with her -- I most certainly do not -- but because I firmly believe that someone who's being a dick is obligated be a logically consistent dick.
If this woman believes that appearing in wedding photos with a sex worker will result in her daughter doing sex work, why isn't she concerned that her son will one day hire a sex worker? Or do a little escorting himself?
This woman is trying to screw with you. But this is the kind of issue that could land your fiancé back in court -- if his batshit ex decides to really push it -- and a sex-negative judge could place limits on his access to his children. So you're going to have to give way. But I think you should drop the kids, not your BFF, from your wedding.
And while you might be tempted to tell the kids to go ask their mother why they're suddenly out of the wedding party, take the high road and come up with an explanation that makes sense and spares their feelings … if, you know, these kids were actually looking forward to being in your wedding party.
As much as they may like you, a child can feel under pressure to play a role in a divorced parent's second (or third or fourth) wedding. Since children may not feel comfortable saying no, lest that "no" be misinterpreted as disapproval of their parent's new spouse, I believe that parents should err on the side of not asking their children to toss petals, bear rings or make toasts.
Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a lot more than I needed to. One night she started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started choking me. She was dragged off by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last communication I had with her was an email in which I told her not to contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It's been about a year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something like "I'm sorry that I hurt you." I want to know if she's OK, but I don't want to see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?
Never. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.
If you're concerned, ask a friend-of-a-friend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if you're after some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your "bad choices" caused her -- choices you didn't elaborate on in your rush to get to her faults -- then you're not really motivated by any genuine concern for her well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience. Either way, no good will come of contacting her.
I'm gay, been gay for years now, and I want to be with a man as a life partner. My problem is that I honestly don't enjoy anal, but I like my boyfriend to be dominant, the man, the boss. Is that just plain weird? Will I find a man?
Worried About My Ever After
The results of a study recently released in the Journal of Sexual Medicine might interest you.
Researchers asked nearly 25,000 gay and bi men about their last sexual encounter with another dude. "Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common," Joshua G. Rosenberger, one of the study's authors, writes. Fewer than 40 percent of the men surveyed fucked ass or got their asses fucked during their last sexual encounter. (Most interesting data point: Gay and bi men have "immense sexual repertoires." Researchers documented more than "1,300 combinations of activities." Most concerning data point: Only half the men who reported having anal intercourse the last time they fucked used condoms. Many of these men are, presumably, in long-term relationships, and may not need to use condoms. But high HIV-infection rates among gay and bi men prove that there are lots of guys out there who should be using condoms and are not.)
Back to you, WAMEA: We know from other studies that there are lots of gay and bi guys out there -- some estimates put it at 25 to 30 percent -- who never have anal sex. They just don't dig it. Your mission is to find a man with whom you're sexually compatible, i.e., a bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs, your Christmas ham -- whatever -- but not your ass.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.