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I'm a college freshman. I thought that college would be the place to come out, but I'm still unable to admit my sexuality to my friends, teammates and classmates. I have thought about joining the LGBT organizations, but those guys are too "out" for me. Not that there's any problem with that. I just don't think that being gay is anyone else's business unless I want them to know. The hardest part is seeing other freshmen hook up and date when I don't have the opportunity to do so. I've resorted to going on Craigslist, but my encounters have been weird. What should I do?

Closeted Undergrad0

 

You're not required to disclose the gender of the folks you would like to go out with. But keeping your sexual orientation a secret indefinitely will warp your psyche and your life.

Think about it from the other side: What would the straight guys on your team have to do to hide their straightness? They could never mention their girlfriends, go out on dates, or hook up with someone at a party. They would have to hide their porn and be careful not to check out girls in public. They could never get married or have kids. They might be able to have secretive, shame-driven sexual encounters with other closeted heterosexuals, but finding love would be extremely difficult.

It wouldn't be impossible -- some gay people managed to find lasting love back in the bad old days -- but it would be difficult. And the sneaking around and lying would ultimately warp their psyches and their lives.

If you don't want to get warped, you're going to have to come out. And once you're out, you don't have to be gay the way, say, the LGBT groupers on your campus are gay. Gay men who are out at your age tend to be a bit gayer than the average gay dude. They're out in part because they can't be in. And God bless 'em -- the gay rights/liberation movement would never have gotten off the ground without 'em. But since you can pass, you've had the option of waiting.

You have the option of never coming out. But as you're discovering, it's hard to date in the closet, and DL-enabling sites like CL and Grindr aren't going to deliver the kind of connections you want. So long as you're limited to quickly arranged hookups with guys you don't know and can't be seen with in public, all of your encounters are going to be weird. Not because all the guys on CL or Grindr are weird, but because you're trying to have a life and keep it secret, and that tends to attract weirdos without lives.

You're only 18. You've got time. But dating and finding love -- or even just sex -- inside the closet is nearly impossible. And when you realize that, you'll come out. And once you're out, you'll find that the "too out" guys aren't the only gay guys out there. Just some of the best.

I know it's hard. But you can do it. All it takes is opening your mouth and saying the words.


Last night, I was blowing a male friend. When I glanced up from "my work," I saw that he was texting someone. I didn't say anything and finished the job, but I was offended. Another friend says I should've mentioned it because he might have been taking a picture. Any insight from you?

When Blowing Blows

 

He was taking pictures or making a video and may have been e-mailing pics/vids to his buddies. You should've snatched that camera and stuffed it so far up his ass you could've sent yourself a picture of the roof of his mouth. Any girl uninhibited enough to blow a "friend" has to be uninhibited enough to blow up at that friend if she spots him taking sex pictures without her consent.


I'm a straight male. I've been with my girlfriend for seven years. We have a group of friends who are into having sex with us. My question is, what is the proper etiquette for condom use between my girlfriend and me when others are present? We don't use condoms when we're alone, so we haven't been using condoms when we're in front of others. They are using them, and I use them if I have intercourse with another girl, so the risk for the two of us seems minimal.

Group-Sex Rookie

 

If you and your girlfriend have been tested and you're "fluid bonded" (ugh! that term!) and you're not having sex where someone might misinterpret your condom-free sex as a license to initiate condom-free sex with randoms to whom they are not fluid-bonded -- preventing these worst-case/biggest-idiot scenarios is why many organized swingers clubs require condoms-for-all during group/public parties -- then I don't see why you and your girlfriend should have to use condoms with each other. So long as you're careful about putting on a condom when you need one, you're both willing to assume the higher risks of acquiring one of the STIs that can be passed through skin-to-skin contact, and seeing you two go condom-free doesn't make your friends so jealous that they can't get it up/on in your presence, then knock yourselves out.


This is in response to Messed-Up Junk. His junk sounds just like my junk! But my junk isn't messed up. I'm a transman -- so a two-inch "micropenis" actually sounds pretty good! Anyway, I wanted to say this to MUJ: Don't let your junk stop you from hopping in bed with whomever you damn well please. I know lots of guys with junk like yours who get plenty of action. As long as your junk gives you sexual pleasure and you are willing to pleasure your partner, there is much fun to be had. Yes, having a body that's different can be terrifying. Be honest and up-front, but don't let your head and your fear get in the way of hot sex.

Pumped-Up Junk

 

Thanks for sharing, PUJ.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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