I am an 18-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra -- my piss slit -- is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don't like being naked by myself, to be honest.
Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed. It is driving me up the wall. I've recently started college, and it's endlessly frustrating to see my friends being sexually active. Casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I am dying here!
"His story is very familiar," says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). "He should know many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners."
You're right: Casual sex/flings may never be an option. But college hookups last an hour or two, while the communication skills you're going to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.
You will have a sex life, and there is a lot you can do. There are women who prefer tongues, toys and touch to vaginal penetration. There's a dating website for straight men and women "who cannot engage in sexual intercourse" (www.2date4love.com), and if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.
You have options. You also have role models.
"One of the most validating experiences someone with genital difference can have," says Devore, "is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, isolation and the challenge of intimate relationships."
HEA hosts an annual conference. If you can get to Chicago over the weekend of Oct. 21-23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.
"At the conference, he'll get expert information from doctors and psychologists," says Devore, "and he'll meet men who have faced the same fears and overcome them."
HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend -- an experience that is life-changing and, in some cases, life-saving. I've made a donation so more men can attend. I'm encouraging readers to do the same: www.heainfo.org.
I'm a 26-year-old girl seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. So far I am enjoying it!
Recently he sent this text message: "mummification sounds fun." I looked it up online. I was scared after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman first in cling film and then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like out of a horror movie! I texted him back: "I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don't think I can do that." He's never mentioned it again.
I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it's about trusting the other person -- yes, we have safe words! -- but I can't shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say, "Not gonna happen"?
Because I Am Scared
"It was absolutely OK for her to say, ‘Not gonna happen,'" says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist and blogger (www.tynanfox.com). Fox has been into mummification for more than a decade -- on both sides of the duct tape -- but says even some bondage fans aren't into it.
"Many people are claustrophobic," says Fox. "They can't stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate -- she said she wasn't interested, he hasn't mentioned it again. They should be commended for their open communication."
The only way to get over your terror, if you want to explore this, is to take things very, very slowly.
"She doesn't have to go directly to the full-out body-and-head-covering," says Fox. "Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it's over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation makes her extremely horny."
I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I'm gay, but homophobia is not the reason I am writing. The situation goes deeper.
I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do?
Roommate's Anal Movies
Your situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody. ("The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!") It also sounds like an opportunity. If you're into this guy -- and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy -- why not seize the great, gaping opening created by your discovery?
The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, tell him you're gay, you don't appreciate his comments, and you're mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.
There's a slim chance that he's not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression and the attention he gets online. But here's hoping you fuck some sense into your roommate -- and an apology out of him.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.