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You probably get this question every day. I'm a man who loves it when my girlfriend fucks me with a strap-on. Another great thing: My girlfriend ejaculates plentifully when we have sex, and she has done so when she's pegging me. Which leads to my question: What are the possible issues from getting female ejaculate in your ass? I am thinking about modifying a toy to enable her to squirt up my ass. Because if it works …

Oh My Fucking God

 

I get questions about female ejaculation every day -- where does that shit come from? How the hell can I/my girlfriend learn to do that shit? Is that shit really piss? -- but you're the first person to ask about modifying a sex toy so as to enable a woman to come in a man's ass.

Allow me to dispense with the usual questions: It comes shooting out of a woman's urethra; practice, practice, practice; that shit isn't piss. How do we know? Science!

In 2007, a team of sex researchers in Vienna "collected" lady ejaculate from two lady ejaculators -- not a huge sample, but two lady ejaculators are better than none -- and rushed their lady ejaculate to the lab. They published the results of their study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. They concluded that lady ejaculate isn't piss, it's come: "The fluid emitted were clearly different than urine voided prior to sexual activity," they wrote. "The values show that the source of fluid expulsion during orgasm is not urine, but is rather similar to male ejaculate."

As lady ejaculate is chemically similar to gentleman ejaculate, the risks of a lady ejaculating in your ass would presumably be similar to the risks of a gentleman ejaculating in your ass: You would be at risk of acquiring any sexually transmitted infection she might have. But if your lady ejaculator is disease-free, then letting her come in your ass is a risk-free, if not squick-free, activity.

 

I'm a 24-year-old female living in London, where I have just finished a degree in circus arts. I'm in a relationship with a great guy. But while I have had relationships before, he hasn't, and he can be very needy. For example, he can't/won't sleep without me in the bed. He often tells me that I'm everything in his life. I've told him that under no circumstances is this normal, and confirmed my right to have a life outside of him.

The crux of the situation is this: I worked on and off as a stripper in a high-end club for two years. I haven't done it while with him because of the physical demands of my degree. Now I'm done and broke and want to return to this work. This is an issue for him, but I won't compromise: The job allowed me such sexual (and financial!) liberation. I didn't orgasm until after I took control of my own sexuality via stripping.

I don't know how to handle this: I feel upset that he hasn't accepted the whole of me, and part of me wonders if I'm in the wrong relationship.

Clown College Graduate

 

Inexperience might explain extreme emotional neediness, but it's no excuse. It's just as likely that your boyfriend's clingy, manipulative shtick -- he just can't sleep alone, you're his everything, if you go back to a job you loved, he'll be vewy sad -- looks to me like controlling, emotionally abusive behavior in pathetic sad-clown drag.

But you like him, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Tell your boyfriend that you're going back to your old job and he has a choice to make: Get over it or get over you.

If he makes an effort to change, he was just an insecure douchebag and, hey, you helped him get over it! If he doubles down on the whining and clinging, then he's a controlling dick and you're well rid of him.

 

A quick comment on monogamy: Recently, my mom told me that she wouldn't mind if my father had an affair. Sex has become harder for her since menopause, and she doesn't consider it the be-all and end-all of a marriage.

I've been married for a year, and I have a lower libido than my husband. My husband is a wonderful lover and has been good about taking things at the right pace for me. One thing that really takes the pressure off me, though, is that we agreed long before marriage that faithfulness for us meant honesty, not exclusivity. My husband knows that if he wants to fool around, he can -- so long as he's safe and honest (with me and with her). The same goes for me.

Does my marriage, or my parents' marriage, count as monogamous? We look monogamous and probably will always look that way. But we've agreed that strict monogamy isn't a requirement. Since I doubt that we're alone, you can add this group of "theoretical nonmonogamists" to the list of people who get wrongly classed by your critics as totally monogamous.

Invisible In Canada

 

I'm convinced that there are more PTBMCs out there than people realize -- that's "perceived to be monogamous couple," a married/partnered couple with an understanding about when outside sexual contact is permissible. But for most of these couples -- for you, for your parents, for me and my husband -- the term "nonmonogamous" isn't a good fit.

Tell an AMC -- "actually monogamous couple" -- that you're nonmonogamous, and they'll assume you're actively seeking outside sex partners or that you're swingers. There's nothing wrong with seeking outside sex partners (in moderation!) or swinging (ditto!), but that's not what we're doing. So if we tell an AMC we're "nonmonogamous," we have to spend the next 15 minutes qualifying that statement. And that requires us to disclose more details than (1) we wanna say and (2) they wanna hear.

So I've got a new word to describe relationships like ours: "monogamish." We're mostly monogamous, not swingers, not actively looking. Monogamish.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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