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In response to a wannabe fister who hadn't told his girlfriend about his kink, you wrote, "At three years, all your kink cards should be lying face-up on the table." Really? Then my husband and I screwed up. We've been married for 19 years, and he told me only five years ago that he wanted to be spanked. 

Spanking just isn't my thing. I told my husband he could go to a dominatrix if that would satisfy his needs. He agreed to go if I watched the session. I'm not sure I can do that, either. Well, guess what? We can't even find one in our part of the country. I hate to think we need to plan a special trip outside to visit a dominatrix ("outside" means Lower 48 in Alaska slang). I can't imagine scheduling something like that when we're on vacation visiting family and friends. Any suggestions?

Not Into Spanking

 

You didn't screw up. Your husband did -- he's the one who didn't lay down his kink cards.

I find this absolutely astounding: You gave your husband permission to see a professional dominatrix -- a permission slip that countless submissive married men would be thrilled to have -- and he responded by placing conditions on you? His desire to include you is a good sign (he's just that into you), but he's either an ingrate or a passive-aggressive douchesub.

My advice: Stand your ground. He has your blessing to go get his spank on. The accommodation you've proposed is reasonable and generous. He doesn't have to travel to see a pro with a fully tricked-out dungeon: Most sex workers are happy to indulge their clients' milder kinks. And spanking -- as opposed to flogging, caning, sandblasting, etc. -- qualifies as mild.

If you find yourself in the Lower 48 and he wants to make an appointment with a pro, just tell your family and friends that you're slipping out for a romantic meal. Accompany your husband to the studio, say hello to the nice dominatrix, and hand your husband over. Then you can retire to a nice restaurant and have the cocktail you deserve while your husband gets the spanking he deserves. And once your husband arrives, have that romantic meal.

 

I've been in a BDSM relationship with an awesome top. Like most GGG lovers, there are things I hate and won't do, and there's stuff I don't like much but I know he loves and I can put up with. One of these things is having his dick hit my cervix when we're fucking: He loves it because it hurts, but I've heard stories of women having their cervixes ruptured during sex. On at least two occasions I've bled so much that I thought my period had started. Am I right to be freaked for my cervix?

Freaked By Bloody Sex

 

"Worrisome cervical damage, including cervical rupture during sexual intercourse between two healthy adults, is extremely unlikely," said Nassim Assefi, an internist specializing in women's health -- as well as a writer, activist and aid worker. (Learn more about her superhuman kickassery at www.nassimassefi.com.) "Some caveats: This assumes no piercings of the penis (no spiky jewelry hitting the cervix), and does not include rape of young girls, [or use of] objects much larger than human penises."

Assefi adds that it's not uncommon to have a little cervical bleeding after vigorous vaginal intercourse. I'll add that a little bleeding -- on occasion -- can be normal after anal, too.

"However, bleeding -- especially heavy bleeding like a period -- may be a sign of a cervix made fragile by STIs, benign growths (polyps), precancerous conditions or cancer, not to mention bleeding disorders. It's worth getting a pelvic exam and talking to a health provider if you're worried or the bleeding is heavy."

Assefi sums it up: "Bonk the cervix if you and your partner get off on it. Just make sure you're bonking a healthy cervix."

 

I'm a 28-year-old gay man, living with my partner for two years. I've always been open about wanting to be tied up, spanked, maybe trussed up in leather bondage gear. He's always been open about his reluctance to indulge me, saying he needs time to get used to it. I'm inclined to believe him, because it took him quite a while to strap me to the bed and jerk me. I'd like to explore some other aspects of my fetishes. He says we will, but thinking about me in kinky gear makes him anxious.

We had an argument about this, and I've agreed to drop the subject while we're on vacation. We click emotionally, he's sexy, and the vanilla sex we have is great. So if he never got past this, it might not be a deal-breaker. But I'm hoping you have ideas about how to make it more fun and less stressful for him.

Boyfriend Isn't Necessarily Delivering My Erotics

 

There's one way you could make your kinks less stressful for your boyfriend: Outsource 'em.

Unlike straight married men who want to be tied up and spanked, BINDME, you wouldn't have to pay (or travel) for it. The supply-and-demand problem that complicates the lives of kinky straight men -- too many kinky men chasing too few kinky women -- isn't an issue for kinky gay men. Kinky gay men have the option of jumping on Recon.com or other kink sites and finding bondage buddies for free sex-free sessions.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to sign off on that, and you're willing to hang in there, you should. A vanilla guy who's strapping you to the bed at two years could be helping you pick out bondage gear for your wedding registry at four.

It certainly won't hurt to give the subject a rest over your vacation, particularly if you've been plaguing him about it recently. But let him know that while you're willing to be patient, you're going to explore your kinks with him -- your preferred option -- or need his permission to explore your kinks without him.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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