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I spoke at Pacific University, in Oregon, last Thursday night. Students submitted a lot more questions than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had. So I'm going to use this week's column to answer some of the questions I didn't get to. 

 

What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?

There are two big barriers.

First: all those loud, aggressive and hypocritical right-wing "Christian" shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms.

Second: all those quiet, timid and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative co-religionists to hijack Christianity. ("NALT" stands for "not all like that," the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., "We're not all like that!" Yes, we know. You're not all like that. Don't tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, et al.)

 

Do you have advice about a breakup?

Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don't draw it out -- nothing is worse than the humiliating realization that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.

Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else just as soon as you're able. Or sooner.

 

If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

I'm an animal already -- I'm a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband's gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.

 

What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?

I know nothing about No Shave November -- but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission and women's participation in it.

 

I'm the "other woman" to a man 14 years my senior. I left home for school, and he stopped contacting me -- this after 1.5 years of relationship and visions of a future together. Did I get played?

Yup.

 

What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?

"You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it's done. You choose it -- suck my dick -- right now, and I'll videotape it, and then we'll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the Internet for the whole world to see. Deal?"

 

Do cooling and warming lubes just burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?

I'm not sure why they're suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called "hot lubes" back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn't anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.

 

Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life? And if not, then what do you do in the meantime?

Some people do meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won't know if you're one of those people until you're well out of college. So hook up with hope.

 

How important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in a long-term relationship?

Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual exclusivity/satisfaction is. If the latter doesn't matter, then the former is irrelevant. And for the record: Companionate marriage -- the union of two individuals who sincerely love each other but who don't fuck (or don't fuck each other) because they have no sexual chemistry/compatibility -- can be wonderful. It's a "lifestyle option" that rarely gets the recognition or credit it deserves.

 

Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?

I know for a fact that they're possible -- but they're only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.

 

What's the best song to have sex to?

Is there any question? "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music, of course. If you don't have The Sound of Music -- but who doesn't? -- then "If Momma Was Married" from the original Broadway cast recording of Gypsy.

 

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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