I'm a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I've never told my BF. I feel guilty -- not because I slept with his friends, but because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don't view threesomes as morally wrong, but I'm worried he does. Should I tell him?
Yes, you should.
He's going to find out eventually -- this isn't the kind of secret that keeps -- and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, that's something he might be able to get over. He's much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him, or that you're so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.
And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he's operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn't the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you're operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong, so your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.
At a certain point in a relationship, we have to bring our partner's perceptions of who we are in line with who we actually are. You're someone who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, and that's something in your favor. If your boyfriend regards these facts about you as negatives, you need to DTMFA.
The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day before the November election, and declare it Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day. This needs to happen, and you're the only guy who can do it.
Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine's Knockers
For Savage Love readers who don't read anything else: Christine O'Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent and opposing masturbation because it makes baby Jesus cry.
I'm all for masturbating to Christine O'Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? I hereby declare every day between now and Nov. 2 -- when O'Donnell's nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat -- to be Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!
I just read about a gay teen-ager in Indiana -- Billy Lucas -- who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It's heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?
Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived
Another gay teen-ager in another small town has killed himself -- hope you're pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other "Christians" who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).
Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hung himself in a barn on his grandmother's property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates, who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.
Nine out of 10 gay teen-agers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.
"My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas," a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. "I wish I could have told you that things get better."
I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, it gets better.
Schools and churches don't bring gay adults in to talk to teen-agers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay -- or from ever coming out -- by depriving them of resources and positive role models.
Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now.
So here's what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.
I've launched a channel on YouTube -- www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject -- to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied and we are living proof that it gets better. We don't dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now -- our families, our friends (gay and straight), the things we've experienced -- that we would've missed out on if we'd killed ourselves.
"You gotta give 'em hope," Harvey Milk said.
Online support groups are great: GLSEN does amazing work, and the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can't picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can't imagine a future for themselves. So let's show them what our lives are like, let's show them what the future may hold in store.
The video my husband and I made is up now -- all by itself. I'd like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults: singles and couples, with kids or without, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you're gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you've ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, "Fuck, I wish I could've told him that it gets better," this is your chance. There are lots of other Billys out there -- other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don't think they have a future -- and we can help them.
They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage.