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A few nights ago, I got drunk and knocked on my roommate's door and confessed my attraction to him while he was lying in bed in nothing more than his skivvies. (It was dark and I stayed at the door, so I didn't know that until after the fact.) And then I asked him if I could sleep in his room because our other roommate was having sex so loudly that I couldn't sleep. Which was true, but it clearly didn't make the bed of the roommate I was drunkenly confessing to the appropriate alternative.

I feel pathetic for having thrown myself at my roommate and completely freaked out that I got wasted enough to do something I wouldn't do sober. But more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent, trashed my roommate's boundaries, and was generally creepy -- all characteristics of sexual assaulters.

I am biologically female, and if the situation were reversed, I would back any woman who did not feel safe continuing to live with a dude who did what I did. I feel like I should move out immediately, though my housemate has told me he doesn't feel threatened and that I should stay.

Help. I feel like a total piece of shit and can't stop wondering ...

Am I A Sexual Predator?

 

Calm the fuck down -- and no more women's studies classes for you, OK? I think you've had quite enough.

You didn't assault anyone, you're not a predator, you shouldn't have to move out. You made a drunken, ill-advised pass at a roommate. If that makes someone a "sexual predator," we'd better build walls around our universities and start calling 'em all penitentiaries.

As for that double standard: In light of your recent experience -- you made a drunken pass at someone who wasn't interested -- you might want to revisit the assumptions you've made about men who make passes at women who aren't interested. Making a pass is not grounds for eviction or conviction. It's how a person makes a pass (did you pounce or did you ask?) and how a person reacts if the pass is rebuffed (did you graciously take no for an answer, or were you a complete asshole?) that matters.

Of course, men's passes at women -- roommates and otherwise -- exist in a context of male sexual violence. So it's understandable that a woman might feel uncomfortable living with a dude who did what you did. But if the dude wasn't a creep about it and graciously took no for an answer, perhaps he should be judged as an individual and not as someone who bears responsibility for the crimes committed by members of his sex throughout history.

And even if you were an asshole about that no, that still wouldn't make you a sexual predator. You're only a sexual predator -- or guilty of sexual assault -- if you force yourself on someone. (Or if you go after people who are incapable of granting consent.) All you're guilty of is asking someone whom you wanted to fuck if he wanted to fuck you. It's a legit question, and no one gets fucked without asking it.

 

My mistress wants to deny me the pleasure of regular food. We want to create a "slop" that I can eat four to five times daily that is highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible. Any ideas?

Seeking Slave Food

 

Are there any vegan restaurants in your area?

 

I'm a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I took to placing it on napkins and while pleasuring myself, would inhale the scent of it. Now I can't perform without smelling it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the House of Pancakes and "accidentally" spilling syrup on them? I don't think it would be fair to require such a thing.

Odor Regrettably Generates A Sexual Malady

 

Look, ORGASM, the human brain is an inscrutable bag of slop: You aren't the only person whose brain saddled him with a seemingly random fetish. But you shouldn't view your fetish -- assuming you're not making this up -- as "incapacitating." You could be into things that were much worse, and/or were literally impossible to realize. Nor should you blame yourself for your growing reliance on your kink. As we age (men particularly), we tend to lean more on fantasies, fetishes and scenarios that help us get off.

So what do you do?

Stop viewing your fetish as a freakish ailment that disqualifies you from love and affection, and start viewing it for what it is: an endearing quirk. People in love and people in long-term relationships (two distinct groups with some overlap) like to say "I would walk through fire for him" or "I would take a bullet for her." Well, all you're asking is for a tiny bit of maple syrup dabbed behind the ears. It's not too much to ask.

 

I am a heterosexual guy, married. My wife and I have lately been getting really interested in watching porn videos on my iPhone. I'm having a problem, however, finding sites with fresh, free stuff that will actually play streaming on the iPhone. Do you, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, or any of your readers have any site recommendations? The more the merrier!

Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone

 

I was under the impression -- heard it from Steve Jobs himself -- that the iPhone was designed to protect our wives from porn. And while I'm always coming to the defense of porn, I'm not a big consumer myself. (I only use my iPhone to make calls and play cribbage.) So I'm not aware of any iPhone-friendly straight-porn site. Readers? Any tips?

And speaking of porn: Sometimes it's not enough to come to the defense of porn. Sometimes you have to make it yourself. And sometimes your homemade porn can win you large cash prizes. Info and details at www.humpseattle.com.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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