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Here's my problem: I love women. I love the way they move, I love the way they sound. I like to see them naked. But the idea of actually interacting with women -- trying to engage them in intelligent conversation -- absolutely fucking terrifies me. I'm a virgin at 30. I've never been on a date. I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes and wasn't completely superficial and forced.

I cannot even imagine approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever approached me or shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don't want some cop busting me. Web-cam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Sad, no? Got a piece of advice for me?

Awkward And Alone

 

I've actually got two pieces of advice for you.

First, get your ass to a shrink -- maybe a lady shrink -- who can help you with your near-crippling social anxiety, and maybe toss some meds your way.

Second piece: Hire a sex worker. Just don't fuck her. There's nothing illegal about paying an escort to escort you places. Find a nice woman, pay her for an hour or two of her time, and have a nice, polite conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex. And cops working undercover don't build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once -- or twice, to be extra safe -- she's not a cop.

 

Is everyone in the Republican Party a closeted homosexual?

Ken Mehlman's Out Now

 

Everyone except Ken Mehlman and Ben Quayle.

 

I am a straight, vanilla woman who met a straight man who somewhat reminds me of Clark Kent and Superman. He's mild-mannered, good-looking, pleasant, an all-around great guy, just like Clark Kent. And just like Superman, he likes to wear tights.

He likes to be dominated, spanked, and buttfucked -- and to crossdress. Our sexual encounters are a bit different, to say the least, but I thoroughly enjoy them. Does this mean that I'm a dominatrix? Would I act this way with other men, or is it just him? And where do I go from here?

Being Deviant Satisfies Me

 

A dominatrix? That's a professional title, BDSM, and you're not planning to pursue a career in kink. (Are you?) To determine if you're independently kinky and not just getting off on beating and binding the boyfriend because he gets off on it, you'll have to beat and bind someone else sometime. As for where you go from here, if you're in San Francisco or you can get there for a weekend, you might wanna sign up for Forte Femme, a weekend-long "sensual dominance intensive." More info at www.fortefemme.com.

 

I'm a GGG 38-year-old single woman, longtime reader, first-time writer.

1. What is a cream pie?

2. Do you find it weird to be turned on by getting fondled and aroused while sleeping? I have a hard time communicating to partners that I want this! Can you give assistance?

Freak In Phoenix

 

1. Google "cream pie." The first three results are relevant; the fourth ("Banana Cream Pie: Recipe") is not.

2. Your kink barely moves the needle on my kink-o-meter. If you're having a hard time communicating your interest in fondled-while-asleep sex, just memorize this: "It turns me on to get fondled and aroused while sleeping."

 

Poopnoodle. I heard this word for the first time today. I was told that a poopnoodle is what happens when you pee right after fucking someone hard in the ass. Poop gets stuck up in the dick hole and comes out in the form of a noodle when you piss. I was wondering if this actually happens, and if so, can you deem "poopnoodle" the official Savage Love term for this occurrence?

Couldn't Think Of An Acronym That Spelled Out "Poopnoodle"

 

If what you describe had ever actually happened to anyone, anywhere, "poopnoodle" could be the official Savage Love term. But the poopnoodle never actually happens.

If you and your middle-school friends don't believe me, here's what you should do: Get a couple jars of creamy peanut butter or a few tubs of premade chocolate frosting. Refrigerate until firm. Get your dicks hard. Fuck your jars of peanut butter or tubs of frosting. Fuck them like they've been bad. Fuck them like you're never gonna recycle 'em. Then go take a piss. You will not produce a peanut butter or chocolate-frosting noodle. I promise.

Think about it: Buttfuckers fuck butt until they come. Wouldn't coming dislodge the poopnoodle?

Finally, some advice for anyone who's interested in anal but now fears the poopnoodle: Wear a condom. A condom can protect you from the poopnoodle and HIV.

 

I am disturbd by the naked pic bribing you encouraged recently. It reveals yr favoritism/elitism system & yr corruptd nature! You dont need critics to discredit yr "advice." you done it yrslf. You are Mr Sanctimoney!

509

 

I am disturbd by yr splling.

Enclosing a nude pic -- good nude, bad nude, boy nude, girl nude -- can get my attention. But it won't automatically get a letter into the column. Letters with naked pics arrive in my inbox every day. And slogging through hundreds of e-mails a day can get tedious. The odd pic or two brightens the day.

If you don't like it, I suppose you could file charges with the professional body that governs my so-called profession ... if there were a professional body that governed my so-called profession. But there isn't, poopnoodle, so suck it.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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