Ever since hearing you say on your podcast that all men use porn, I have had a burning question: What about us women? If all men get to have this other sex life, which is (mostly) external to their partnerships, then all women should have a pass as well. Ideally, it would be a pass to enjoy something universally arousing to all women, but not something that turns most men on. Perhaps it might even repulse them.
But I am not sure what it could be, as women are a bit more complicated.
Desires Erotic Balance
Something women enjoy ... something erotic ... something that repulses most men ...
The now-ubiquitous cupcake isn't explicitly sexual, I realize, but our culture does encourage people -- women in particular -- to sublimate their erotic desires by stuffing their faces with food. And to my jaded eyes, most of those squat, pink-frosted things look like so many squat little cocks, DEB, so many growers-not-showers with pink sprinkles. And most of those cupcocks are inhaled by women.
But if cupcakes don't do it for you, how about a free pass to enjoy, eyedunno, maybe porn?
"We're actually in the middle of a porn-for-women revolution as millions -- yes, millions -- of women are loudly, even proudly, proclaiming their interest in porn," says Violet Blue, author, blogger, activist and tireless foe of antiporn boneheads. If you were reading Blue's blog -- www.tinynibbles.com -- you would know that one out of every three consumers of Internet porn are female, according to a Nielsen NetRatings report.
"What's interesting isn't just the growing number of women using porn," says Blue, "it's that they're doing exactly what DEB suggests. It's part of their own private sex lives that are mostly external to their relationships; they're using porn as reliably as their favorite vibrators."
What women have lacked up to now is the same "free pass" men enjoy.
"Guys are encouraged to have this other sex life with porn," says Blue. "But our culture is having a hard time admitting that women like porn. The only people, besides Oprah, acknowledging the female viewer are the antiporn Christians who see it (and female masturbation) as a disease they can cure!"
Blue directs female porn consumers to Our Porn, Ourselves (www.ourpornourselves.org).
"On OPO, women are talking about liking all kinds of porn, even stuff that goes too far for some guys," says Blue. "Women are making each other feel comfortable about their newfound access to porn."
I am a man who has been in an open marriage for 10 years. My wife dates men on her own, and I get to enjoy the occasional threesome with her and one of her partners. (We had no luck dating women or couples.) The problem is, she is clearly more interested in "her" dates than in "ours," probably because the hotter guys are more interested in her alone than in us together. My wife is GGG, but it is hard for her to persuasively feign interest in the guys who are interested in us both. It is frankly depressing to watch her go through the motions with one of "ours."
Does being GGG require her to be a good actress, or does it require me to pretend that I believe her when she claims she enjoys the three-ways we have together?
Is This A Silly Problem?
This isn't a silly problem, not at all.
Open relationships only work -- closed relationships only work -- when they make both people happy. You're not happy, which means your open relationship isn't working.
Time to renegotiate terms.
Tell the wife to stop fucking other people for a while. (And, yes, you should have the authority to do that -- both partners in an open relationship should be able to call a time-out.) If your wife balks, concede that you're asking her to pass up on some opportunities for hot sex. Then remind her that you're the guy she married, the guy she's hoping will stick around once hot guys aren't lining up to get in her pants anymore, and that there will still be hot guys out there who want to fuck a year from now.
While you're not fucking other people, fuck each other. Work to re-establish your sexual connection.
Then, when you're ready to start fucking other people again -- and you're not ready until you're both ready -- your wife should agree that over the next year she will fuck only guys who are interested in fucking you both. That's going to mean passing up on some hot guys, but it's a sacrifice she should be willing to make to save her marriage. It also means that she'll have to work harder to find hot guys who are into you both. Do whatever you can to help, but she's likelier to make that extra effort if it's the only way she gets to fuck a hot guy who isn't her husband.
Hopefully by the time your three-way-or-the-highway year is up, you'll have a few regular thirds on deck -- guys your wife won't have to pretend with -- and then she can do some solo adventuring without shredding your self-esteem.
What is your favorite kink? What fucked-up thing does Dan Savage get up to?
My kinks aren't interesting, and my marriage vows specifically forbid me from disclosing that sort of information.
Here's something interesting: "A Palestinian man has been convicted of rape after having consensual sex with a woman who had believed him to be a fellow Jew," the Guardian reported last week. After the dude "introduced himself as a Jewish bachelor," the two "had consensual sex in a nearby building." The woman went to the cops to report that she had been raped only after she learned that the man wasn't Jewish.
I don't think there's anything wrong with one-night stands, or with fucking the shit out of a guy you've only just met (that's how I met my husband). But I gotta say: Someone who can't bear the thought of accidentally fucking an Arab or a Republican or a married man has no business fucking strangers. That person needs to get to know people better before visiting nearby buildings with them.
Not because it's OK to lie. But because people do lie.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.