I was recently told that I am being puritanical and self-righteous because I can't get over the fact that my partner spends a good deal of time seeking out pictures of very young girls to masturbate to. Nothing illegal, he says, but still ...
He admits to having a 20-year-plus addiction to porn, and with that particular addiction, he says, comes the need to continue upping the taboo factor in order to get off. I can understand the natural escalation from traditional porn to something more risqué, and I'm fine with him watching chicks with dicks defecate in each other's mouths, because those she-males are consenting adults.
Eight-year-old girls, however, are innocents preyed upon by pedophiles, and I think a rational adult, even in the throes of sexual whimsy, should recognize that boundary. My question is this: Is it considered typical sexual behavior for a guy who's really into porn to seek out YouTube videos of 10-year-old ballerinas without having any kind of pathological inclination toward pedophilia?
He Says I've Turned Into My Born-Again-Christian Mother
"Whimsy" is not a word I would associate with your boyfriend's sexual interests or porn-viewing.
Your partner is chock full o' shit, as my own experiences with porn demonstrate: I've been consuming gay porn for 20-plus years now, and I have yet to "escalate" to YouTube videos of 10-year-old boys doing whatever it is 10-year-old boys do in the videos they upload to YouTube. (Are they jumping on trampolines? Lighting their farts? Writing Sarah Palin's Facebook status updates? I don't know because I've never checked.)
It's usually closeted members of the religious right who claim that porn consumers quickly progress from softcore to hardcore to kink to kiddie to kids. I believe your partner has latched on to the rhetoric of anti-porn crusaders because (1) he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions, and (2) he has no intention of stopping.
Hopefully, your partner hasn't "escalated" to actual kiddie porn yet, and is only repurposing the odd ballet-recital video. But his attempts to rationalize and shift blame -- to say nothing of his efforts to convince you that you're the one with the problem -- are ominous warning signs. His is the kind of deeply fucked-up, sociopathic reasoning you hear from guys who are consuming actual child porn and/or raping actual children.
Your boyfriend has a problem, not you. He needs help, not YouTube.
Here's what happened: I just had sex with a street hooker. Here's how it happened: After cleaning her hands with alcohol-based lotion, she jerked me off with her hand. Then when I came, she rubbed the head of my penis all over one of her cheeks. When we were cleaning up, I saw she had something on her face. She said she had been injured in a fight with a screwdriver some days ago, and although there was no blood on this "sore," she had removed a crust from it before meeting me. This sore was not open, so there was no visible blood, but it was somewhat raw. My question is, what risk of STIs is there?
Can't Relax Unsafe-Sex Tension
You had me at "fight with a screwdriver," CRUST; there was really no need to include that detail about the crust.
The odds that you contracted a sexually transmitted infection are very small. Unless the head of your cock had been reduced to a raw and bloody pulp by that handjob, and unless there was blood seeping out of her sore, it's unlikely that her blood got into your bloodstream and, therefore, highly unlikely that you contracted anything more serious than a desire to inspect future hires for puncture wounds. If anyone was at risk in this situation, it was her, the sex worker who foolishly rubbed your semen into an open sore.
My wife left me a few weeks ago because she discovered an affair that I had a few years ago, ended, and then kept from her. In the years since the affair, I recommitted myself to our marriage and became a more attentive husband. My wife is furious, and for weeks would only call me to talk about getting a divorce. Three nights ago, my wife told me she is pregnant. She still wants a divorce, but she also wants our child to grow up in a stable environment, so we can have an amicable relationship for the sake of our child. Last night, I went over to her new apartment and we had the first decent conversation we've had in months. She promised me that I can be a very active part of our child's life, which basically means I have an all-access pass into her life, too.
I love my wife and miss her so much. I want to do what's right for my child. In part, I think that means staying married to my wife. Would it be wrong of me to use our child as an excuse to spend more time with her in the hopes that we can reconcile? For the next seven months, I can go with her to doctor appointments, Lamaze classes, baby stores -- to say nothing of when our child arrives. Or would that be irresponsible?
Can't Handle A Divorce
As reconciling with the wife would be in the best interests of your soon-to-be-born child, spending more time with the wife in the hopes of reconciling would be the moral and responsible thing to do. Just don't be sneaky about it, as the wife clearly doesn't appreciate your sneaking around. Tell her you still hope to reconcile, and ask if you can schedule some counseling sessions after your Lamaze classes.
I've been reading through the Savage Love archives on your new Savage Love iPhone app. I was wondering if you ever heard from any of those people again, telling you how things resolved? I would like to think that people were able to work through their mismatched-interest issues with partners, or that the poor guy with the botched circumcision whose penis no longer had a head was able to get some sexual satisfaction.
I'm taking a couple of weeks off in August, and if anyone who's taken my advice and lived -- lived happily ever after, lived to regret it -- would like to write in, please do. Your letters would provide welcome updates for curious readers like IM here and a nice couple of easy-to-compile vacation columns for me. Please send your updates to firstname.lastname@example.org.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ARGENTINA: Congratulations.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.