My husband was 28 when I met him and a virgin. When we started having sex, he opened up about being "different." He wanted to wear panties, he wanted me to have sex with other men, he wanted me to make fun of his tiny penis. Didn't love the stuff, but whatever. Now it's a thousand times worse. He goes to Victoria's Secret and tells the salesgirls he is being punished by his wife for wearing her panties and that I am "forcing him" to go buy some of his own. He told me he tried to contact our neighbor to see if she wanted to humiliate him while he was dressed as a woman. He thankfully failed to contact her. And I recently found an e-mail in which he "confessed" to a female coworker that he had a deep, dark, embarrassing secret he wanted to tell her. I confronted him, and he said he was going to tell her about me "forcing him" to wear panties and ask if she wanted to see his tiny penis!
He sees nothing wrong with this behavior. I feel like he is violating me, our marriage and other women. I have children with this dude! What the hell do I do?!?
My Husband Is Out
Here's what the hell you do: You make a credible threat to divorce your husband and his tiny dick -- serve him with actual divorce papers -- then you set some conditions for temporarily suspending divorce proceedings. No more trips to Victoria's Secret, no more stalking the neighbors, no more inappropriate e-mails. And he begins seeing a sex-positive therapist immediately.
The shit he's into -- humiliation, "forced" feminization, cuckolding -- can be enjoyed with consenting partners. But he has no right to drag his coworkers, neighbors, salesgirls and other innocent bystanders into these extreme humiliation scenarios. A good, sex-positive therapist -- someone who won't be shocked by your husband's kinks -- may be able to help your husband see that he isn't being humiliated by these women. He's humiliating these women -- without their consent. And that's not OK.
Sooner or later your husband is going to get arrested. Stalking and sexually harassing women are crimes, crimes your loving husband has implicated you in, crimes that could have a hugely negative impact on your children. So threaten to divorce him. And if that doesn't inspire him to get help, make good on that threat.
My girlfriend of six months told me she found it "awkward" when, early in our relationship, I used lubricant from a half-full bottle. As the bottle was half-full, she says, it hinted at past relationships. To me, this was no more awkward than our using condoms from a half-full box -- which did not bother my girlfriend. But she sees condoms as individually wrapped, single-use items, unlike a bottle of lubricant. Was I in the wrong for failing to purchase a new bottle of lubricant?
Lubrication Etiquette, S'il Vous Plaît
I'm tempted to break into your apartment, spike your lube with Frank's RedHot sauce and open a live feed of the oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico on both your laptops. Because you two clearly need something real to worry about. But in the meantime: Personal lubricants are expensive. If the girlfriend believes a fresh bottle should be cracked open each and every time she gets with a new partner, then she should carry a case around in her car. Lube also comes in small, single-serving packets -- just like ketchup and mustard and condoms. Anyone worried about their partners reacting badly to the half-empty, 50-gallon drum of lube by the side of the bed is free to invest in a box.
My ex wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. Apparently, there was an "unbearable" smell that came about recently due to the heat and humidity where he lives.
I am not sure that this "stench" is mine: My ex has a cat that peed on items of furniture. I have been ejaculating for years now and no other lovers have ever complained about a smell. I also warned my ex before we had sex that I, a female, was capable of ejaculation. There was an opportunity to stop/grab a towel, but he did not stop. In fact, he caused me to ejaculate countless times and seemed to enjoy it. This ex now lives in a different city, but we have friends in common.
Should I pay for the replacement mattress? I might have been open to paying half, but the last time we talked, my ex was so negative that I don't feel any obligation.
Should I Soak It Up
I don't want you to pay for your ex's new mattress -- and I'll bet your ex doesn't want you to, either.
Your ex's out-of-the-blue request for mattress reparations is an attempt on his part, conscious or not, to sever communications with you. He's picking a fight, one he knows he's likely to lose (because this is bullshit), so he'll have an excuse to stop speaking to you and to slag you off to your mutual friends.
And even if your ranky, stanky, janky lady spunk ruined your ex's old mattress, you would still not be obligated to replace it. When an adult invites another adult into his bed, he is or should be aware that sexual activity frequently leads to stained sheets and pillowcases, soaked and/or stained mattresses, and, every once in a while, utterly destroyed bed frames. A person unwilling to eat those losses should fuck on the floor, outside or at his partner's place.
Seeing as your ex should have been aware of the general risk sexual activity posed to his mattress, and seeing as you acquainted him with the specific risks you posed to his mattress, the responsibility is entirely his. So fuck him.
While we're on the subject of lady ejaculators: Lots of folks wrote in with suggestions for WET, the woman in last week's column who routinely soaked the bed when she came. While I suggested a wrestling mat and towels, numerous readers wrote in to plug the Fascinator Throe.
"It's a large, double-sided blanket," wrote one. "It's faux fur on one side, satin on the other, with a waterproof barrier in the middle. It comes in lots of colors and costs around $90. It's easy to clean. This thing saved my bed, and it's a hell of a lot sexier than a wrestling mat."
Given a choice between a fake-fur bedspread and a wrestling mat, I'd go with the mat -- and the wrestler -- every time. But lady ejaculators who prefer machine-washable faux fur can check out "the moisture-proof playscape for sex" at www.liberator.com.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.