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A few years before my wife and I met, she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. I was a bit upset when she told me, but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest woman I've ever met -- and am now married to -- doing porn might be really enjoyable. I realize that to get these tapes I'd have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?

Torn Over Porn

 

Um... what does she think? The wife? Have you asked? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to have any contact with her ex?

If she's cool with it, and thinks the ex will be cool with it, ask for the tapes. But hold on to my e-mail address, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to be better in bed, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.

 

I see woman prostitutes. Twice in the last five years, women I was seeing turned out to be post-op transsexuals. They were nice people, but I prefer nature's own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don't. Some wind up getting outed on bulletin boards. What are the rules?

Prefers Really Original Sex

 

There are no rules in an illegal marketplace, although I'm not sure how "truth in packaging" provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call "survival prostitution" -- they don't have familial or societal support, and they're selling sex to keep roofs over their heads -- so they're not duping you for shits and giggles.

And there are worse things than sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man's body. Did you catch Charlize Theron's performance in Monster?

 

I have been in a nonmonogamous marriage for several years. We've had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. I don't want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we have two wonderful kids). But I require a little safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What's a boy to do?

Equal Rights In Coitus

 

Hearing about the wife's solo adventures gives you a boner -- that is what you meant by "I enjoy her having her own experiences," right? -- while the prospect of your solo adventures has the opposite effect on the wife. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair, there's something in those solo adventures for you, while there's nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her.

Now life isn't fair, and in an open relationship, life's unfairness can manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom in order to accommodate the other's insecurities, irrationalities, etc. If the unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, accept your wife's offer to terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she'll miss them as much as you will, and she'll agree to your having solo adventures in order to start having her own again.

 

I agree with you 99 percent of the time. But your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I agree that careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation for his girlfriend's pleasure is a recipe for disaster.

As a bisexual woman, I find it pathetic that this guy can't tell his girlfriend that he's interested in having sex with men. As you've said in similar situations, he's better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if she's into the idea. Maybe she's completely GGG -- or maybe she'd rather not be used by two liars looking to scratch an itch.

Flippant Answer Isn't Legit

 

They can't all be gems, FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he's bi, and yes to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.

 

So the Oscar nominations just came out. The same question plagues me every year. How many people do you think have been fucked with an Oscar? I mean, it's shaped just right and associated with power, fantasy, etc. It's just gotta happen. Have you heard any news along these lines?

Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts

 

First, a programming note: When Savage Love readers noticed I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing acronyms. But long sign-offs, even if they make for terrific acronyms, don't save space. So limit your creative sign-off to no more than five or six words if you want to see it in print. (I'm making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be apparent to anyone who's ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth simultaneously.)

OK, HELLOGORGEOUS, your letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with a couple of people who happen to have four -- four! -- Oscars in their offices. They laughed when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was that they were, indeed, "shaped just right." (I thought the shoulders were a bit wide, but the base was flared, which is what you want with an insertion toy.)

I didn't press them on whether they had confirmed their suspicions -- we'd only just met. But rest assured, if it can be stuffed in someone's ass and/or twat, someone somewhere has shoved the thing -- Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown action figure -- into an ass and/or twat.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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