Pittsburgh native and stand-up comedian Eddie Ifft returns for a show at the Rex Theatre on Thu., July 26. The Pitt and Fox Chapel High grad, who's headlined gigs internationally, is just back from Australia. He's currently working on a feature-length documentary about how the world views America.
Why are you calling your documentary America the Punchline?
I was over in England and I would walk onstage and get booed as an American. A lot of Americans go over and apologize: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything we've done, I'm sorry." I get on stage and don't give a shit. I'm like, "Hey, I'm American. Go fuck yourself." I just assumed everybody loved Americans, and that we were the most popular people in the world.
Why is America a punchline?
There are like a million different reasons. The foreign policy. They make fun of the stereotypes about us being loud and obnoxious and rude, and I go and perpetuate all of them.
What country did you visit that hated the U.S. the most?
The United States. I think people in America hate America more than people in the Middle East.
Did you have any trouble in customs because you were an American?
I was supposed to leave Dubai, and I was still drunk, and I didn't get on the plane for some reason. I don't know why. And they got really mad at me because they had to take my bags off the plane.
I tried to go back to the hotel, because my new flight was the next day. But my visa had expired. So the next thing I know it's 24 hours later, and I'm still in customs. I was anally raped by about 14 Arabs. No, not really, but they were asking me seriously a million questions, and they were searching my bags. And all I could think about was that pornography was illegal in the Middle East, and you can go to prison for life. If they opened up my laptop -- oh, man. I downloaded so much porn that my screen-saver is a janitor with a mop. I'll be in a prison and everyone will be like, "What'd you do, what'd you do?" And there will be murderers, and I'll be like, "I downloaded Topless Car-Washing Girls on my laptop. And now I'm in a Middle Eastern prison for the rest of my life."
If you could tell the people of the world one thing about Pittsburgh to make them like America, what would it be?
Besides the sandwiches, what do you miss about living in Pittsburgh?
I miss driving down Route 28, and being behind a bus, and it just stops in the middle of the highway to let people off and on. It is really ridiculous. Pittsburgh, in some ways, is the most backwards city in the entire world, and that's why I love it.
Eddie Ifft 8:30 p.m. Thu., July 26. Rex Theatre, 1602 E. Carson St., South Side. Over-21 show. $17 ($20 at the door); $15 students. 412-381-6811 or www.eddieifft.com