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City Paper presents Letters to Pittsburgh Santa

“Could you bring the Port Authority a watch so they can at least make them buses run on time.”

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We know what you’re thinking — “Hey, you guys did this last year, and Santa looked different.” Well, you are right on both counts. Just like last year, we obtained, a.k.a. completely made up, correspondence from folks across the region to Pittsburgh Santa and his large-ish elf. And you were also right that Pittsburgh Santa does look different this year — he got a new haircut. 

Dear Santa,

Change is coming. At least that’s what the 51 bus I take to and from Downtown every day tells me. I’ve heard the audio announcement on the bus, drowning out the bee-bopping of the rap music blaring from the kids’ music machines. Apparently starting January 1, if I use cash instead of a Connect Card, I’ll be charged an extra 25 cents. And from now on, I’m supposed to pay every time I get on the bus, instead of only paying when I get on the bus on my way to town, and when I get off the bus on my way back, unless I’m leaving town after 7, in which case I’d have to pay getting on. Jumpin’ Jiminy Santa, I’ve been riding this bus for 42 years and now I have to consult a Magic 8-Ball to figure out when to pay and how much! I can’t do nothin’ to stop this, Santa, but maybe you could bring the Port Authority a watch so they can at least make them buses run on time. If I have to change, so do they!

Yours truly,

Anita Transfer

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Dear Santa,

Could you please bring us 14 paper bags to wear over our heads to hide our shame? WTF, Duquesne??? REALLY???

Shamefully yours,

The Pitt Men’s basketball team


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Dear Santa,

It’s been a rough year with my boss “business partner” cutting my pay; on some days I make less than minimum wage. I still get to meet a lot of great Pittsburghers and see so much of our beautiful city, but I am working longer hours just to make ends meet. On top of all that, I now have to compete with robot cars that are getting smarter every day. They can’t make a “Pittsburgh left” yet, but it’s only a matter of time, and once they do, we’re all DEAD!!! Please send us weapons to wipe out the robots before it’s too late.

Sincerely,

I. M. Screwed

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Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting rid of Chief Cameron McLay. He was too hard on us.

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh Police Officers union members

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Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting rid of Chief Cameron McLay. He was too hard on us.

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh criminals

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Dear Santa,

What I want this year is simple: I want you to save Pittsburgh. 

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up on the local news recently, but a coalition of libs in Pittsburgh are trying to impose illegal changes before our president-elect takes office, and I will not stand for it. 

According to pghRIGHT.nets, “Mayor Peduto exploring secession from Pa., and is introducing a law to make straight people illegal.” 

Even the liberal pea-brains at MSNBC.website correctly reported that “Black Lives Matter riots cause cancer in whites.” 

And most disturbingly, via an op-ed on YinzerInsight.co, “Pitt’s safe space policy made my son even gayer.” What is happening to my city?

You need to do something because this will affect you as well. If “Mayor” Billy Pedutes had his way, you’d surely be outlawed or forced to wear a yarmulke and smoke pot while saying “Happy Holidays” like a communist. Over my dead body. You need to do something. 

This is all I ask for this year. God bless you and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Amanda Huggenkiss

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Dear Santa,

Earlier this year I got into some trouble for plagiarizing and a little bit of fibbing on my résumé. I know I should be on your naughty list, but I’m hoping you can overlook my misdeeds and send me a professional résumé writer so I won’t make the same mistake next time. And now, I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom that I first developed in my thesis on Common Core-aligned holidays: “Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas.” 

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh Public Schools Superintendent Anthony Hamlet


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Dear Santa,

I don’t go anywhere unless there is a big-ass parking lot for my Toyota Sequoia. I know the new Whole Foods in East Liberty will have a bigger parking lot than the current one on Centre Avenue, which is great, but I was wondering if there was a children’s hospital or senior center to tear down to make way for an even bigger store with an even larger and better parking lot. Maybe a lot with special conveyor belts that takes me directly to the store entrance, so I don’t even have to walk the 100 or so feet to load my groceries. 

In fact, maybe you could make sure the government subsidies that were used to build the senior center could be reallocated to purchase electric scooters for able-bodied shoppers like me, so I don’t even have to stand up to purchase my $7 asparagus water. 

Sincerely,

A Pittsburgh Whole Foods Shopper

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