KDKA-TV ought to be ashamed of itself. The Federal Communications Commission has righteously smote the evil television broadcast entity for broadcasting Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" during the Super Bowl halftime show. This so-called "Hometown" TV station willingly allowed its New York parent company to foist upon innocent viewers a sight more unholy than if Satan himself had masturbated on the 50-yard line. (My sources tell me except for occasional campaigning, Satan continues to hide out in an "undisclosed location.")
Most people I know haven't even begun to recover from being exposed to the nipple on the breast of a woman whose brother is an accused child molester. Each individual CBS-owned and -operated station has been penalized, for a total fine of $550,000. That'll be $27,500, KD ... pay up or face the wrath of FCC God Michael Powell. Never mind the grave matter of CBS News and forged documents (I know it's a grave matter because Edward R. Murrow is spinning in his), let's focus on Nipplegate, and KDKA's role in this horrible national tragedy.
Don't even think about appealing, my KD friends. You and I both know that while each station was penalized, you hometowners played a unique and insidious role in this blight upon the American cultural landscape. In my research, I have exhaustively gleaned inside information from Hometown sources.
Furthermore, I have sought to equal the editorial integrity and accuracy of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and CBS. Like them, I can honestly report that I have not been able to verify one iota of what I'm about to write. Welcome to modern journalism.
Here are the exclusive details, something sure to rock the House That Murrow Built. Contrary to the politically correct sanitized newsrooms of other TV stations, where Peggy Finnegan serves cookies and milk and Scott Baker schools young female reporters on the importance of abstinence, the KD newsroom is a rowdy, bawdy throwback to a time when tasteless humor and questionable behavior were welcomed.
One day, Stacy Smith and Patrice King Brown were sitting around the newsroom, shooting the shit. When fellow KD anchor and relative Boy Scout Ken Rice walked by, the more wild and crazy Stacy and Patrice thought it would be amusing to yank out the classic "embarrass Ken by exposing a nipple" routine. And so they did. Ken turned beet red, having never before seen a black nipple: Who knew Stacy's nipples would be black?
Anyway, the reaction was so strong (Ken vomited for hours, but it was after the 11 p.m. news so nobody saw him), a light bulb went off in Stacy's head. Wouldn't it be clever, the mustachioed mischief-maker mused, if we could incorporate this practical joke into the Super Bowl halftime show?
Well, Ms. Jackson took to the notion like her brother to adolescent spermatozoa. And the rest is hysteria.
Lest you not be aware of the sarcasm in my previous remarks, let me be clear: This FCC fine is just about the stupidest damn thing I've ever heard of. And after four years of Dubya, that's saying something.
First of all, obviously only the parent company deserves any blame. The hapless honchos at WCCO in Minneapolis or KCBS in Los Angeles or any other station had nothing to do with this. There's even a school of thought that says the halftime festivities were the NFL's show, and it is the league that should get spanked.
Secondly, no one, absolutely positively no one, was truly traumatized or affected in any serious way by the incredibly brief appearance of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Do you hear me? NO ONE.
We actually have grown men in the federal government wasting kajillions of dollars debating astoundingly irrelevant issues like this. And why? Because everyone's afraid of the religious nuts and uptight puritanical putzes who pick up the phone and flood CBS switchboards and congressional offices. And of course, because Karl Rove wants to motivate the empty-headed Chicken Little paranoid self-righteous freaks to legitimately elect the un-elected President.
A woman got thrown out of a Laura Bush rally the other day because she wore a T-shirt that said "George Bush killed my son." Her son died in Iraq. That's important. This is not.
God bless America? God save America ... from itself.