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Savage Love

Have sex the way the Lord intended us to, i.e., in the dark with our pitiful/regretful/hooded boyfriends.


I'm a heterosexual guy in my early 20s. I've been dating my girlfriend for about six months, and we've been having some fights. The problem: I have a high sex drive in comparison to hers. I want to be intimate on a weekly basis (at least!), and she's told me that she's more of a once-every-three-weeks-or-so person. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable — she's a virgin (no penetration), and the thought of that first time scares her a bit. That said, physical intimacy is important to me. I do my best to be understanding, but I'm not sure how to bridge this gap.

Love Is Building Intimacy During Outset

While it's great that you're understanding of your girlfriend's sensitivities, LIBIDO, and while it's commendable that you view nonpenetrative sex as fulfilling, you're at risk of "understanding" her into a relationship that makes you both unhappy. Someone who wants sex multiple times per week will eventually be made miserable by someone who wants sex far less than once a month (which is what the "or so" at the end of "once-every-three-weeks-or-so" means), and vice versa — being with you will make your girlfriend miserable in the long run, too.

I get emails daily from miserable people on both side of this divide. The high-libido partners are miserable because years of sexual rejection have shredded their sexual self-esteem, or they feel like monsters after years of being "indulged" with sex by barely willing partners. The low-libido partners are miserable because going through the motions makes them miserable or they're sick of being pestered for sex and made to feel inadequate when they pass.

You're young and straight, and the culture tells the young and the straight that they must be monogamous (because sex is so important) and that they shouldn't take sexual compatibility into consideration when picking a partner (because sex is so unimportant). Other shit matters, too, of course — emotional compatibility, similar life goals, etc. But basic sexual compatibility matters, too, and its absence will eventually undermine everything else.

You've been dating this girl long enough to know that you're not sexually compatible — and that's reason enough to end this relationship.

Last month at a house party, my boyfriend accidentally burned my chin, neck and cleavage during a clumsily executed volcano shot. Some doctor appointments, burn creams, bandages and awkward scabbing later, I'm healing nicely. My problem is, before the accident, we were only having sex every week or so. But now he stares sadly at my neck wound every time he looks at me. It's hard to feel sexy when you're constantly looked at with pity, regret and concern, and the stress of being sexually frustrated is fueling other stresses. I just want a way out of this sad circle.


Your boyfriend can't stare at a neck wound he can't see. So until you've fully recovered, turn off the lights or blindfold him or lace him into a leather hood — or all three — and have sex the way the Lord intended us to, i.e., in the dark with our pitiful/regretful/hooded boyfriends. And no more flaming/stunt drinks!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 10 months. We have a strong emotional bond and an adventurous sex life, and we have been fantasizing about cuckolding. We are both extremely turned on by the idea, but I have reservations about doing this in such a young relationship. Unlike married couples who have years to lay an emotional foundation, we have less to fall back on. I am scared I will end up feeling used, and that he will not be able to handle the reality of the humiliation. What happens if we are emotionally wrecked afterward? I love him and do not want to lose him, but this is something that excites us. What should we do?

Young And Restless Duo

Cuckolding realities are much more challenging than cuckolding fantasies — emotionally and logistically. So you're right to be nervous. But relationship longevity doesn't guarantee cuckolding success. Good communication, mutual desire (so fucking important with this fantasy!) and a commitment to take things slowly-bordering-on-glacially are better predictors of success. And if you take it slow — if you limit your cuckolding play to dirty talk for 10 months at least — you'll have more experience/trust/security to fall back on when you find the right bull/stud/lover.

I'm a 24-year-old lesbian, and I have been with my girlfriend for almost three years. I'm generally happy with our sex life. But she is bi and has always wanted to have a threesome with a guy and another girl. I am all for that in theory, but I have a hard time emotionally. I'm in therapy and on medication, and it's really difficult for me to wrap my head around sex with new people. I would spend the entire time silently freaking out. I really want to do this for her, but I don't want it to go poorly because of my issues. Do you have any advice for navigating something that your partner really wants but you don't? For how to get game not just in letter but in spirit?

Having Anxiety Raises Difficulties

I'll give you the same answer I gave YARD: Talk about it, fantasize about it, be open to it, but take it glacially. Guys who are interested in sexing two women aren't that difficult to find, so trust that the right guy — one who makes you comfortable, one who is unthreatening — will come into your lives at some point. If you're worried about how you might react to watching your girlfriend have sex with someone else, she shouldn't have intercourse with that someone else the first time you get together. Make out, roll around, engage in a little mutual masturbation. If that feels good — if it doesn't make you anxious or freak you out — plan to get together again.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, hear the tale of the lesbian roller-derby sleepover:

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